CENSORED!
by madd.junkie
Summary: In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.
1. CENSORED! Porn

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations. "Yuki doesn't pleasure me, Kyo," I smirk at him, "and I need a release."

**A/N: **Just some random crap that I made up, it's just plain old dirty humor. It's not meant to really do anything but make you laugh. Please review my first Fruits Basket fic.

**Revised on 1-28-2007: **I changed the porn scene and the name of the porn-tape (since Haru IS gay and all) and I changed the way I spelled 'Kyo'. That's about it.

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**Chapter 1: CENSORED! Porn**

**Black Haru's P.O.V.

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**

Oh-noes, that happy-ass chick with the hots for _my _Yuki, called us all down to the park. What does she want now? And just when I was about to finish watching my brand new Nekomimi Shonen Hentai 3 (1)!

Kyo's in his room now.

Which is this room.

He looks pretty red too...

"…is that porn?" Kyo's looking at me funny. I stop what I'm doing, and watch as his breathing gets really heavy. He looks at me with an odd look on his face as I sigh,

"Yuki doesn't pleasure me, Kyo," I smirk at him, "and I need a release."

"OH GOD! THE MENTAL PICTURES!"

Poor him.

He's scarred for life.

"Why do they have cat ears? And is that boy…holy flip!"

I don't think Kyo's ever seen porn before. Time to teach him the true birds and the trees or whatever the hell it is.

"Yes, Kyo, he put his—"

"Haru!"

"—into his—"

"Oh my god!"

"—and then—"

"Stop that!"

"—came out of his—"

**"STOP. NOW. PLEASE."**

He storm off, red in the face, and I chuckle evilly. It's fun fucking with Kyo.

In both meanings of the word.

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**A/N: **That's it for now, maybe I'll post up chapter two in a week or something. Please review! 


	2. CENSORED! Lime

**Censored!**

**Summary:** Drabble one-shots in which Haru and Kyou talk, and certain things tend to get... edited out.

**A/N:** I have returned fellow readers! Thanks for my six reviews, that's more then I thought this little bit would get. Anyway here's chapter two, and it's pretty dirty, I'm not going to lie. Enjoy as I make other Sohma's suffer as well!

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**Chapter two: CENSORED! Lime**

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"HARU, PUSH HARDER!" 

"I'm trying but it WON'T GO IN!" Many thumping sounds were heard. Some grunts too.

"WELL I WONDER WHY!" That was Kyou's sarcastic voice.

Shigure had a shocked face on, his ear against the wall of his room, listening to the conversation next door. What the hell were cousins doing?

"Well, I tried to give you the instructions but no, you had to do it your way!" Kyou continued as Tohru blinked curiously.

"Well I'm sorry if I'm not like you,who can't be the STRONG ONE! Why do I always have to do the work!"

"Because I said so!" Yuki looked as though he wasn't sure if he should be disgusted or jealous that Kyou was loosing his virginty first.

Shigure by now, had Yuki, and Tohru in his room, each one of them stuck against some portion of the wall, listening in on this conversation.

"Ano... I'm confused... what are they doing Shigure-san?" Tohru asked innocently as Shigure grinned at her.

"Why Tohru-kun, I'm surprised you don't know. They are... uh..." He saw the narrowing glare that Yuki were giving him and coughed slightly.

"They are playing clue and Kyou got Haru in the bedroom with a lead pipe..." Shigure coughed some more as the rat sweat dropped as Tohru's eyes widened.

"Think we should join them?" At this Shigure started to laugh as Yuki's eyebrow twitched.

"No Miss Honda. I don't think we should... cough... ruin their fun..." Yuki's face was starting to turn pink as Kyou's voice rung out again.

"See, you insert it into their! And-no no no you're doing it all wrong! THIS IS WHY YOUR NEVER ON TOP, HARU."

"I think they're having trouble setting up, ne Yuki-kun?" Tohru asked as Yuki's face turned an even deeper shad of pink.

"Y-yes Miss Honda... oh look at the time. I think you should start on lunch now..." Yuki said slowly as Tohru nodded,

"Oh yes! I'm sorry! I'll start right away!" She paddered off to the kitchen as Yuki slide down to the ground and looked at the laughing Shigure.

"MOVE IT!" A loud groan/moan was heard from the room next door, and Shigure left the room with Yuki hurring behind him.

"Damn it Haru! Next time you watch your porn in that damn rat's room! You broke my new DVD player now too..." Kyou swore at the cow who lay knocked out on the floor next to the box where the old, broken, DVD player sat.

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Yeah, that's this chapter. I was temtped to actually have them be doing _it_. But this seemed so much funnier to my friends. Once again sorry for any OOCness, I tried to keep Tohru naive and Shigure perverted and Yuki um... Yuki-ish but it's kinda hard for me. Please review! 


	3. CENSORED! Cupcakes

**Censored!**

**Summary: **Drabble one-shots in which Haru and Kyou talk, and certain things tend to get... edited out.

**A/N: **I'm back! Woot-woot for more Kyo/Haru smutty/misunderstandings and the like. Once again I have used innocent Tohru in my twisted plot... kukuku... anyway please review. And the end of Fruits Basket was SOOOO SAD! Oh, and see if you can spot the Family Guy refrence in this chapter.

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**Chapter Three: CENSORED! Cupcakes**

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Kyo, Haru, Yuki, and Tohru had gone to the zoo. Of course, considering the curse and all, Kyo couldn't see why Tohru didn't just hug them... but Tohru said the zoo, and Yuki absolutely had to please Tohru. 

All went well and Tohru was having fun.

"Thank you so much for taking me to the zoo Yuki!" Tohru gushed as they continued walking. Yuki blushed and smiled that charming smile of his. He responded with a dashing,

"I'd do anything to you."

"What?" Tohru asked looking at Yuki funny. Kyo and Haru both stared at Yuki, who started choking.

"I'd do anything for you, Miss Honda." Yuki then pulled Tohru until they came to the lion cage. There were only two lions; one male and one female. The Male was currently mounted on the Female, buried inside her.

Yuki and Kyo blushed while Haru stared at the lions. The rat and cat started dragging Tohru and Haru away, both of who seemed a bit _too_ interested in watching the lions When they were a safe distance away, Yuki and Kyo released Tohru hoping that would be the end of it.

Boy, were they wrong.

"Um... Yuki?"

Yuki smiled and looked at Tohru. "Yes?"

"What were those lions doing?"

Yuki cursed her innocent mind. "Uh... They were just... making cupcakes." He saw Kyo and Haru start snickering and shot them a glare.

Tohru's mouth formed an 'o' in comprehension, and Yuki was glad that there was no more mention of it for the rest of the day.

The next day, Tohru was in the kitchen making breakfast when Yuki, Kyo, and Haru came in and sat down at the table. Shigure was already there, having gotten up as soon as Tohru did.

"Erm... Hatsuharu?"

"Yes?"

"Were you and Kyo-kun making cupcakes last night?"

Yuki's scrunched his face in confusion as Kyo snorted and Haru shook his head. "No... Why do you ask?"

"Because there's icing all over Kyo's mouth!"

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**A/N: **Oh yeah, I went there. If you don't get the joke... sorry? Anyway, I'll actually try and start updating regularly again. REVIEW! 


	4. CENSORED! Full Mouth

**Censored!**

**Summary:** Drabble one-shots in which Haru and Kyou talk, and certain things tend to get... edited out.

**A/N:** Based on a dirty joke I heard today. For some reason my inner Yaoi-fangirl thought of Kyo and Haru. (shrugs) I don't know why, but read if you want. It's pervy...

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**Chapter Four: CENSORED! Full Mouth

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**

Hatsuharu and Kyo were both training hard at the dojo one day and lost track of time. So the two of them decided to stay at the dojo with Kazuma for the night.

That night, Kazuma's dinner wasn't agreeing with him and he had to repeatedly keep getting out of bed. When he went past Kyo's room the first time, he heard screaming. The second time he went past Kyo's room he heard laughing. Finally, the third time he went past Kyo's room he couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when Hatsuharu left and Kazuma couldn't contain himself and had to ask, "Why were you screaming last night?" Kyo blushed and replied,

"You always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." He said. He then narrowed his eyes. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

Kyo's face heated up even more as he replied,

"You always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Wondering if he really wanted to know, but finally deciding he might as well ask, he asked about the third thing that had been on his mind. "Why did it suddenly get so quiet last night?"

Kyo's face was literally the same color as a tomato. "You always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

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**A/N:** The End! Enjoy this little thing that came from my warped mind... 


	5. CENSORED! Missing Necklace

**Censored!  
**

**Summary: **Drabble one-shots in which Haru and Kyou talk, and certain things tend to get... edited out.

**A/N: **Two chaps in one day, I must be going blarmy... anyway once again based on a dirty joke I heard. You can thank my cousin for this one. Personally, I think that Hatori is hell of a lot more nosy then they make him out to be in the anime. And so, in honor of that, Hatori is going to be a sneaky bastard in this chapter. Oh, and this chapter is more humorus with yaoi overtones then just blunt dirty humor. But don't worry, I'll be back in the perverted saddle in no time!

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**Chapter Five: CENSORED! Missing Necklace

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**

Haru had just moved into a new apartment and decided to invite Hatori over for dinner. During the meal Hatori couldn't help but notice how Haru's roommate, who oddily enough was Kyo, touched Haru alot. Hatori had long since been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made him more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, Hatori started to suspect that there really was something going on with the two.

Reading Hatori's thoughts, Haru assured him, "I know what you're thinking, but Kyo and I are just roommates."

Hatori was still unconvinced and asked to be shown around the apartment. Haru happily complied, showing Hatori his room and then Kyo's.

The only thing odd about Haru's room was that it was sparsely decorated. When Hatori asked about this, Haru just replied, "Well, I did just move in."

When they got to Kyo's room, Hatori couldn't help but notice that not only was in more decorated, but Kyo also had a king-size bed. When Hatori asked his grandson about this, Haru just replied, "I don't know, I never thought to ask Kyo why."

Seeing that Hatori was even more suspicious, Haru sighed and repeated, "I told you, Kyo and I are just roommates."

About a week later Haru came up to Kyo and said, "Kyo, ever since Hatori came over for dinner I haven't been able to find my jewelry. You don't think Hatori accidentally took it do you?"

"I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." Kyo said dismissively.

So Kyo sat down and wrote:

"Dear Hatori,

I'm not saying you did take Haru's golden chains from us and I'm not saying you did not take Haru's golden chains from us. But they have been missing ever since you came over for dinner."

Several days later, Kyo received the reply which read:

"Dear Kyo,

I'm not saying you do sleep with Hatsuharu and I'm not saying you do not sleep with Hatsuharu. But the fact remains, if he were sleeping in his own bed he would have found his golden jewelry by now."

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**A/N: **This one was just plain humorus. Sort of my way to push Hatori into the spotlight. He gets so under treated at times... 


	6. CENSORED! Butt Smex

**Censored!**

**A/N: **I was inspired by my friend Katia, her obsession with Gaara from the show _Naruto _and the song _Shut Up and Sleep with Me_. Also, this chapter is totally immature and not as funny as the others to me... if you guys have any ideas for the next chapter, either e-mail me or tell me in a review.

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**Chapter Six: CENSORED! Butt Smex**

A.K.A. "Shut up and sleep with Haru"

**Reader's POV

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**

"Kyo." Hatsuharu, in all his ironically cow-murdering leathery glory, had instantly popped up behind the cat, who was half-asleep as it was.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You can't just pop up around the place like you live here! And where the hell is your shirt?" And as Kyo had pointed out, the ox _was_ clad in just a pair of unnaturally tight, aforementioned cow-murdering leather pants. They were glossy and shiny and Kyo swore he could make out his reflection.

"On my way here I was deterred and ran into the path of life, where the young women who walk the street were exceptionally happy to see to it that I was kept so outstandingly sweaty and hot I stripped my shirt." Haru said in his monotonous voice as Kyo raised a bow.

"You got lost in some sort of Hooker alley and they made you so flustered and hot you stripped?" Kyo asked suspiciously as Haru neither opposed nor accepted the theory. Kyo sighed, why the hell was Haru so damn weird?

"Kyo, can I ask you something?" At this time, Kyo noticed that Haru seemed to be perturbed and flushed a faint red. Haru also had a bulge in his pants, but Kyo wasn't paying attention to that. Nope, no way… Kyo wasn't thinking about Haru's hard-on.

Yeah, and Ayame didn't like to cross dress.

"What is it, ya ox?" Kyo asked, forcing his voice to become harsh as Haru stiffed before sighing. "Well, spit it out!" Kyo shouted, annoyed that he was still staring every now and then Haru's uh… highly visible manhood.

"Shut up and sleep with me."

Kyo went aghast, his face turning crimson, yet Haru remaining as stoic as ever. Kyo stuttered,

"Y-you c-can't be serious! What the hell kind of perverted pick up line is that?" Kyo shouted, still blushing and pointing a horrified finger at his cousin.

"A lame one I presume. So then, will you shut up and sleep with me?"

But since this little story is rated T (not to mention it's called CENSORED), I cannot say whether Kyo and Haru had hot, rabid, butt sex in Shigure's study.

But I assure you… IF they did have hot, rabid, anal together in Shigure's study, then a certain little Honda would walk in on them.

And would innocently ask what they were doing all naked and sweaty and on top of each other.

To which Haru would reply, "We're wrestling."

And Tohru would nod in understanding and give a quick cheer to Kyo and then scurry away.

Of course, this is just IF Kyo and Haru had sexy, incest, man-love.

And who am I to say if they did or did not?


	7. CENSORED! DingDong

**Censored**

**Summary: **"Oh, you touch my tra-la-la."

**A/N: **Yeah, I'm back with another chapter. This one is based sorta on the Ding Dong Song by Gunter. Go on youtube and listen to it. It's creepy/funny... in a weird way. Anyway please read and review!

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**Chapter Seven: Ding-Dong**

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Once again, strange noises were coming from Kyo's room. And once again, Yuki, Tohru, and Shigure were in the study, being nosy. Only this time, the noises were a lot louder. And there was more thumping. And Kyo had directly said that Haru was "to God-Damn big to be seme". 

Yes, well.

What an interesting conversation that had been, explaining to Tohru that Kyo didn't mean that Haru was too big to be the attacker, but meant something a bit different.

But I'll save that for a later chapter.

The point is, Kyo and Haru were doing the horizontal tango (heh-heh), and Yuki was once again confused at such an act.

Why was Kyo getting so much sex and he was still a virgin?

But the real point is, Yuki was questioning whether or not to barge in dramatically and 'accidentally' end up in a threesome with his cousins. Oh the incest-full sin of the Sohma family!

"Ha-haru! Ahh!"

Yuki's eye twitched as Tohru asked him if Kyo was in pain.

"Kyo, you're so damn tight! We screwed what? Like a week ago you didn't stretch?"A bit of blood dripped from both Shigure's and Yuki's noses and Tohru was wondering what they screwed. Did they fix something in Kyo's room?

"Oh, you touch my tra-la-la!" Kyo shouted, his voice cracking near the end of his sentence.

Yuki promptly passed out from blood loss.

And Tohru sat, confused at what Kyo's tra-la-la was, and if she could touch it too.

And Shigure made a best selling adult gay novel based on his cousin's.

And Haru and Kyo never knew they were spied upon.

But Haru did know that he had an extremely fun time touching Kyo's tra-la-la. And that he'd do it again real soon.

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**Review please!**


	8. CENSORED! Seme or Uke?

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations. "And we also know that Kyo is everyone's bitch."

**Rating: **T

**Author's Note: **Hey, I've changed my summary to try and reel in more readers. I think it worked, I don't know. This chapter is sort of a continuation to the last chapter and features OOC! Yuki.

Before I begin, I'd just like to announce that:

**1. I've reached 43 reviews**

**2. I've gotten 3009 hits on this story**

**3. I'm on 17 favorite story list**

**4. I'm on 19 story alerts.**

**5. I haven't gotten a flame yet (I don't know whether to be happy or upset that no one has any criticism for me)**

Thanks guys for reading this. All of your reviews encourage me everyday to not let this story die. So long as there are perverted jokes, ideas, and songs in the world; this story shall live!

**

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Chapter Eight: Seme or Uke?

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**

"Kyo." Kyo, who was whining about his ass aching, glared heated at the one who had caused his discomfort. Haru blinked blankly, either ignoring or not seeing Kyo's "God-I-Hate-You-You-Bastard" glare.

"What." Kyo finally ground out, still glaring.

Unbeknownst to the dating duo, Yuki was being nosy and eavesdropping on their conversation. He was going to have a threesome, damn it! And he was going to barge in as soon as he heard a throaty moan; regardless of whether Shigure or Tohru were home.

"I was thinking, how the hell can you be to big to be seme?" Kyo flushed a dark red and Haru remained as impassive as ever.

"Easy, when you get hard you get to big for me. I can stretch all I want, but I'm not… able to hold in all that girth!" Kyo grit his teeth as he spoke, obviously embarrassed.

"Oh."

Silence.

Yuki scowled… why the hell wouldn't they get naked?

"Hey Kyo."

"What now!"

"Why are you always uke?"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN?" Kyo screeched, nearly punching the ox in the face for such a comment. Kyo was a man, damn it!

"Well… the only time you can top another guy is if you fucked Momiji… since he's so much like a girl already. Yuki is stronger then you, and everyone else is older." Kyo glowered, his pride shot between the eyes.

"You're an ass."

"And you have a nice one."

"I COULD TOP YUKI, DAMN IT!" Kyo shouted. Then his throat began to hurt _(he's always shouting...)_ and he moaned slightly in pain, and Yuki took that as his cue. Leaping into the room dramatically, a false look of horror on his face, he shouted at his cousins.

"Oh my god, you guys are—not mating…" Yuki's face instantly became dejected as Haru smirked, that all to familiar "Black-Haru" gaze darkening his features.

"Why don't you show me how well you top Yuki."

"Alright! You'll see, I'm going to be the seme!"

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So Yuki lost his virginity. And was glad. 

"Told you so."

And Kyo was pissed.

Because he was only seme for about twenty minutes.

And then he was back to uke.

Only, Yuki was middle, and not seme.

Since there can only be one seme, right?

And we all know that Black Haru dominates everyone.

And we also know that Kyo is everyone's bitch.

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**Yeah, I think everyone's OOC, at the very least, Yuki is. Heh, more incest (sorry to ****Mentalnobaka**** who doesn't like incest). Anyway enjoy, please keep the reviews comming.**


	9. CENSORED! Preteen Lemon Crap

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**Rating:** T

**A/N: **Yo peeps, here's the chapter, I decided that I would make a chapter full of somwhat cliché yaoi moments. I'm not trying bash anyone or a story or anything, just poking fun. This chapter was sort of inspired by the second chapter of the Full Metal Alchemist story Computer Fun by Freanch-fri-freak. It's very good; please check it out if randomness/crack is your thing.

**Warning: **Pokes fun at cliché yaoi plots, contradicts various things in chapter, poorly written lemon & poor grammar (done on purpose for humor).

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**Chapter Nine: You can be as loud as the hell you want when you're making love **

**A.K.A. The lemon chapter made by a pre-teen

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**

Kyo and Haru were in the dojo and Kazuma wasn't there because he was with Akito at the main Sohma place. Yeah.

So anyway, it was all bright and sunny outside while Haru and Kyo did their martial arts moves and stuff, so Kyo got hot. And he took off his shirt. And Haru was staring at Kyo's rock hard body and started getting flustered and stuffs.

'_Wow, he's so hot' _Haru thought, because he didn't like Yuki so much since him and Tooru (1) were going out now.

"What are you looking at dumb cow?" Kyo asked in his harsh voice as he glared at Haru. His glare wasn't so hard, because it was raining now and his energy was zapped.

Suddenly, Black Haru appeared and he smirked because he knew that a weak Kyo couldn't put up a fight. So he pushed Kyo against a tree and watched with another smirk and Kyo weakly struggled against the cow.

"Hello my kitty, I'm going to fuck your brains out." And then Haru kissed Kyo, and Kyo moaned loudly. Then Haru pulled Kyo away from the tree and pushed him on the ground, trying to take off his pants.

Just like Haru thought, Kyo didn't fight at all, and soon both sexy guys were naked in the rain and were touching and kissing each other. Then, the rain came down harder, and both Kyo and Haru were hard, so Kyo went,

"Make love to me Haru!" So Haru trusted into Kyo, and Kyo screamed. Tears were coming down his face cause it hurted a lot, but then it felt good. Haru went faster and faster and faster, and Kyo started shouting and stuff. And then, Haru came inside of Kyo. And then Kyo came all over the two of them.

Haru pulled away and laid flat on his back and Kyo did the same.

"I love you kitty."

"And I love you Haru."

And then they had sex again and again.

THE END!

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(1) I've seen Tooru spelled like this often, and it annoys me a bit because I've never seen a fan sub write 'Tooru' so I wonder, where do people learn to spell it like that? 

Anyway, that's it. A lemon and parody, all in one. I made it horrible on purpose, because all too often, some pre-teen girl will write like that and think it's great. Not to bash anyone or anything, but I think that if you haven't had sex, you shouldn't write a lemon. Unless you read A LOT of adult novels. This is the first part of a two-part parody on the yaoi genre. Next chapter pokes fun at Male Preg.

I LOVE YAOI, okay? I'm not bashing it; I'm not bashing any people or stories. I'm just making a little fun at yaoi as a whole. Sometimes you just need to laugh at something you love, ne?


	10. CENSORED! Haru's Baby Fadda

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations. "YOU A BABY FADDA, FOOOL!"

**Rating:** T

**A/N: **Okay, this is the second part to my 'Yaoi-Parody' chapter. This time I'm attacking Male Preg. I'm really confused, because I don't understand how people make that work. I mean, yeah, two guys are married or whatever and want a kid, I understand. But you cannot just bend the laws of physics just so they can have a natural baby.

Men don't get pregnant.

I don't care what you do, how you say it, or whatever magical spells happened.

Men can't get pregnant.

It is impossible.

Now don't get me wrong, there are some stories that are really good that have Male Preg. I'm just saying, men can't get pregnant and I don't understand why they don't just adopt a kid in the fic.

**Warning: **Pokes fun at Male Preg and teeny-boppers once again writing about stuff they know nothing about. Also contains spelling and grammar mistakes (hopefully a lot more this time), misspelled Japanese words, and immature Rin-Bashing

**Inspiration: **Oddly enough, the quote "A fucking shark ate me!" Don't ask…

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**Chapter Ten: My Baby Fadda **

**A.K.A. Kyo and Haru are togetherz so they needs to have a baby!

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**

So one dayit was sunnyout and Kyo was um… at SHigure's place in the living room. But then Haru came in from the door and he was like,

"Bakaa neeko! You got me knockeded up!" Kyo looked at haru funny and then went,

"Iiee bakaa ushii! Men cant get preganate.! Menes don't have babies!!!111!" Kyo said with shock all over hisface andhiseyeswere all big and yeah!

"Yeah, but um… since we're animals uh… our animal halfs of us did this special thing that reacted to your cursed and made a special egg inside of me. And I also have a special man-wombbm, yeah!" haru said, using this TOTALLY valid excuse.

Srly! That could SOOO happen in real lifers, yeah!

"OMG, really Haru!???!! That's cr4zynessisty! OMG you're gonna have a babieses!" Kyo shoouted as Haru started jumping up and and down.

"I KNOW! IT'S FREAKY-DEAAAKY! W00TNE$$! Demo, Kyo-chan, koibitto, YOU ARE MY BABY FADDA!"

"What's a baby fadda?"

"YOU A BABY FADDA, FOOOL!"

"WHAT'S A BABBY FAADDA?!!"

"THE FATHER OF MY BABIESES!"

"OH"

So months later, Haru had a fat belly and everyone was all like, yay for babies and man smex. And then Akito was all like, nobody loves the cat, but Kyo told her to fuck off and she was like, okay, I just hate myself. So nine months later, Haru had his bayb through his man parts some hwo.

And kYo was all like, take that Rin-bitch, Haru is my man sex slave. and rin was all crying and stuff because I hate her and she's stupid and haru was like, oh look at our baby he's normal! And kyo was like, yeah and he's got whiet and red hair and one red eyes and one gray eyes!

THE END!

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**End Note: **Hey. There were so many red and green lines in here, I felt dumb. But anyway, I think I actually read a Naruto fic like this, and I was like "WTF?" because I couldn't understand any of it. So, I hope you got the point and could read everything.

**Bakaa **is** Baka **which means **stupid/idiot**

**Neeko **is** Neko **which means** cat**

**Iiee **is** Iie **which means **no**

**Ushii **is** Ushi **which means** cow/ox**

**Srly **is net speak for **seriously**

**Cr4zy **is sort of leet speak for** crazy**

**-chan **is **an affection suffix used in Japan, **mostly used for younger children, your own kids, or girls

**Koibitto **is a term that means** boyfriend (I think)**


	11. CENSORED! Bananas

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations. "Can I taste your banana?"

**Rating:** T

**A/N: **Hey all, I'm back with another chapter. Inspired by my own perverted self, and an incident that happened on Monday… involving me, a boy, and a banana. Cough… yeah… anyway please enjoy. Also, I've tossed in another character, sex-crazed Momiji. He only says one thing this chapter, but he'll have a bigger role next chapter.

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**Chapter 11: This chapter is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S! **

**

* * *

**

Haru sat, legs crossed and mouth preoccupied by a certain long yellow fruit. Sucking on the tip, he covered the entire top with his mouth. He sent a gaze to Kyo, who sat across from him, eyes wide. Haru winked and carefully broke the tip and chewed.

"Something interesting?" Haru asked, chuckling. Kyo scowled, instantly aware that Haru was messing with him.

"No, you damn ox." A smirk wiggled onto his tanned face, "But I was wondering…" Kyo leaned forward, rubbing his hands up and down Haru's thigh. Haru tensed a bit, then sent a suspicious look to the cat.

"What?" Haru asked, moving to bite another piece of banana. Kyo leaned forward so that his face was mere inches away from Haru's.

"Can I taste your banana?" A bit of blood dripped from Haru's nose as he scrambled away from the older teen.

"WHAT?" He half-yelled, half-shrieked. His face was burning red, and Kyo began laughing insanely. How often did Haru of all people blush?

"You bastard! I thought you meant my dick!" Black Haru shouted, pointing a finger to the still laughing cat.

"Like hell I'd give you head!" Kyo growled.

"You're uke."

"Not this again…"

"You do whatever the seme wants, and I just may want head."

"I thought this chapter was about the innuendo of bananas and yaoi stories."

"Linn-chan gets off track easily."

"Oh."

…

"Hey Haru, do you want to taste _my_ banana?"

"I DO!"

"Like hell Momiji, you sex-deprived freak!"

"You can taste my banana Momiji."

"Yay!"

* * *

Remember kids, underaged, incest, gay sex is bad.

Unless they're hot.

Then it's good.


	12. CENSORED! Aerobics

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations. "How wonderfully strange, I've never ridden anything that only goes up and down and in out before!"

**Rating:** T

**A/N: **I think the perverted well has gone dry. I had such a hard time trying to write this chapter. So maybe… I'll put it on hiatus for a while? I don't want to stop it completely… uh… what should I do? Oh, and this chapter is sort of a PWP (porn without plot/plot? What plot?) and features 'Ultra-horny-uke! Kyo'. Guess who's his seme...

* * *

**Chapter Twelve: Up and Down and In and Out

* * *

**

Momiji's eyes were wide in awe and shock. He licked his lips, and blinked several times. Clasping his hands around the long object he smiled brightly.

"It's so big, Kyo!" Kyo felt his ego swell at the compliment and smirked.

"Yes, it is Momiji…" He gazed at the rabbit through lidded eyes. Oh yeah… he was going to be the ass pounder; not the one who takes it in the ass.

"But how come it's not as big as Haru's? I saw his once and it was like a boa!" Momiji innocently chimed, deflating Kyo's pride.

"Uh… well… you want to ride it?" Kyo asked, and Momiji nodded, previous question forgotten. Really, the boy had the attention span of a flea.

"Yeah!" Momiji's eyes sparkled.

**…**

"Kyo? I'm home…" Haru walked into the small apartment (the one from way back in chapter 5). Walking towards Kyo's room, he heard a distinctive grunt. It was distinctive because it was the grunt of a topper.

"Yuki? Are you here?" Haru blinked, Yuki wasn't suppose to come today, was he?

"How wonderfully strange, I've never ridden anything that only goes up and down and in out before!"

"Tohru?" Kyo was gay, wasn't he? And even if he wasn't, Tohru probably had some kinky Dominatrix side to her.

No wait… the curse.

That only left one person.

Haru thrust open the door, to see Momiji grinning cheekily while straddling a very flustered, very naked Kyo.

"Damn… you really _are _always uke…"

Haru scratched his cheek sheepishly before shrugging and leaving the room.

"He likes this spot behind his ear, lick it and see what happens."


	13. OMAKE: Public Service Announcement

**CENSORED!**

**Summary:** In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations. "Who the hell can afford drugs when you pay $12.95 for gay porn you have to read?"

**Rating: T**

**A/N:** Hey all! Because of the very convincing statement of "Don't stop" from a reviewer, I've made another chapter.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 13: Public Service Announcement**

* * *

"Hello readers, Linn-chan has brought to my attention a problem in America. It seems you Americans like doing drugs. Well, I'm here to tell you that drugs are bad, okay?" Kyo glared at the readers, clucking his tongue in a 'tsk-tsk' fashion.

"I know you all hear this from parents and teachers and such, but now you're hearing it from me! Drugs fuck you up, okay? Trust me, I _know_ people who do drugs _coughcough_**HARU**_coughcough_." Said cow gave a glare towards the cat but said nothing, half-asleep anyway.

"Sure, you may be like 'this is my business, blah-blah-blah'. Whatever; don't care what you have to say. I don't do drugs, and looks how sexy _I_ am! And you want to know why I don't do drugs?"

…

Silence

"Screw you guys! I don't do drugs because my anti-drug is yaoi manga!" Kyo held up a copy of **'Boku no Sexual Harassment' **(1) and grinned perversely.

"Don't give me that look, just listen. Drugs are expensive, no? Yeah well, so are yaoi manga. In fact, I had to pay fourteen bucks for this one!" Kyo glared at the thought of his money being wasted.

"Anyway, yaoi manga is my anti-drug, because who the hell can afford drugs when you pay $12.95 for gay porn you have to read?"

More silence

"Exactly, no one who would do drugs anyway! So then, Americans, are you going to stop with the pot and shit?" Kyo's eye ticked and he turned around, storming away.

"Ya know what? Fuck it then!"

**This Public Service Announcement was brought to you buy the Yuki/Kyo Lemon-Time Corporation --insert moans--.

* * *

**

**(1) Boku no Sexual Harassment—**This is an anime and manga that is, for lack of better word, porn. I'm serious; the only plot is the fact that this guy uses sex to get promotions. It's famous for a scene in which one male characters has sex with a corn cob. If you're old enough, look for it on You-tube (if not, do it anyway but don't tell anyone) 


	14. OMAKE: Semes and Ukes

**CENSORED!**

**Summary:** In which Haru and Kyo get freaky and I leave it all to your imaginations. "Because when the couple has- uh... when they make cupcakes, one has to be on the bottom and one has to be on the top."

**A/N:** OMFG I GOT 100 REVIEWS/dies/ Thank you all so much for reviewing my story. I never in a million years expected it to be this popular. You have no idea what this does for my confidence, so keept the reviews comming folks! Anyway this is a sort of continuation of chapter 7, where I mentioned that Yuki and Shigure had trouble explaining that when Kyo said 'seme' he didn't mean attacker.

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen: Semes and Ukes**

* * *

"Haru! You're to God-Damn big to be seme!" Kyo screeched painfully. Oh, if only he knew what type of horror he had set into motion with that comment. 

If only he knew.

"Yuki um... how can Haru be to big an attacker for Kyo?" Tohru shyly asked the rat. Shigure began coughing violently in an attempt to hide his laughter.

A flustered Yuki struggled to find the right words.

"Ah... Miss Honda, Kyo did not mean 'attacker' when he said seme. You see, seme is a slang term that uh... homosexual couples use..." Yuki explained as Tohru blinked, then tilted her head.

"But what does it mean?" Yuki sighed.

"Well, just like in a straight couple, there is a man and woman-"

"But I thought there were only two men or two women?"

"There are Miss Honda, it's just that in the relationship one partner is the man and one is the woman!"

"Why can't they both be men or both be women, Yuki?" Tohru's eyebrows furrowed with her question.

"Because when the couple has- uh... when they make cupcakes, one has to be on the bottom and one has to be on the top. The who who is the seme, is the top and is the man of the relationship. The one who is the woman and the bottom, is the uke." Yuki said, pleased that he had managed to explain the situation with dying.

"But what about when there are more then two? I saw Hatori, Shigure, AND Ayame make cupcakes once!" Yuki wondered if it was possible to blush so much you'd die from spontaneous human combustion.

"Well... there are still seme and uke, it's just that the other person who is in the middle is called the Median." Yuki said, officially making up things to satisfy the girl.

"Oh... okay then Yuki..."

"Nice job Yuki!" Shigure had tears comming from his eyes and was gasping for breath. Yuki shot him a glare and slowly his blush went away.

"Um... Yuki?"

"Yes, Miss Honda?"

"Can a woman be a seme?"

And that, my friends, is how Tohru came to learn about a word called: **Dominatrix**.

* * *

I just noticed, seme looks like semen. Heh, anyway please review! 


	15. CENSORED! My Ding a ling

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations. "Haru wrapped his hands around the string the ding-a-ling was attached to, and jerked."

**A/N: **My friend had a going away party because he's moving to New Jersey, and as our group's Number 2 Pervert, he played some of the most perverted songs he could find. A lot of the songs are going to be influencing the next few chapters, and this is the first of them; My Ding-a-Ling by Chuck Berry. I'm sure you can hear it on Youtube if you don't know it.

* * *

**Chapter 15: My Ding-a-Ling!

* * *

**

"Uh… what the hell is this?" Kyo asked, looking at pair of silver bells on a string. Shigure grinned widely,

"Why Kyo, it's your ding-a-ling." He said knowingly as Kyo's face deadpanned. He glared at the perverted dog and fought the urge to punch him.

"I think I misheard you, stupid dog, what is this?" Kyo asked once more through clenched teeth. By now, Shigure's face was about to crack in half from grinning so much.

"It's you ding-a-ling. A lovely little toy I found in my study one day. I want you to have it, so go play with your ding-a-ling!" Kyo's mouth opened to say something, but he closed it and turned on his heel storming away, his ding-a-ling clutched in his hand.**

* * *

**

Kyo, Tohru, and Yuki sat in class, listening to the teacher drone on. Kyo groaned, ready to fall asleep at any moment. Just as his head was about to slam on the desk, the bell rung. Kyo smirked and dashed through the door.

"Where are you going Kyo?" Tohru called out as Kyo slowed but did not stop,

"To play with my ding-a-ling!" He waved at the astonished class before disappearing around a corner. Yuki blinked,

"But the bathroom is over in the opposite direction… only the underclassmen rooms are over there…" Yuki said as Tohru beamed.

"Maybe he wants Hatsuharu to play with his ding-a-ling too!" The class turned to face the oblivious Honda as Yuki colored.

* * *

Kyo was turning a corner when he bumped into a person. He instantly grabbed onto his ding-a-ling and looked up with a glare. Red eyes meet gray and red softened. 

"Hey Kyo, where are running to. And what are you grabbing?" Hatsuharu asked, helping the cat up. Kyo opened his palm to reveal his prize to the ox. The cursed boy gazed with interest at the two round objects.

"It's my ding-a-ling. Shigure showed them to me." Kyo grinned as Hatsuharu blinked slowly.

"I thought your ding-a-ling was there." He pointed away from Kyo's hand. Kyo flushed,

"No, this is my ding-a-ling." He shoved the balls into Haru's face.

"There's hair on them…" Haru said, frowning.

"They've been in my pants." Kyo argued back.

"Why?"

"To keep them from being exposed, stupid." Kyo answered, rolling his eyes.

"Do you always have them with you?"

"Of course!" Kyo shouted, clutching his ding-a-ling in his hand once more.

"What about when bath?"

"I hold them with one hand and scrub with the other." He boasted. Haru made a face before trying to pry open Kyo's hands.

"Let me play with your ding-a-ling!"

"No! You have your own!"

"But yours are nicer!" Haru said as the two fell to the ground, wrestling.

"But yours are bigger. Don't touch that, damn it!" Kyo squawked as Haru fondled his ding-a-ling.

"Just let go of it!" As the two continued to fight over the right to play with Kyo's ding-a-ling, Hatori suddenly walked past with Momiji thrown over his shoulder.

All four stopped moving and looked at each other. Hatori attempting to kidnap Momiji screaming _'We need schnackseln!'_(1)and Kyo and Haru apparently getting freaky in the hallway.

"Uh…" Hatori shifted from foot to foot, trying to ignore Momiji's cries for _schnackseln_.

"Well. I guess I'll just be going now…" Hatori said after a brief silence, walking around the two and darting down the hallway with the blond still shouting.

Kyo and Haru exchanged glances before noticing that Kyo's ding-a-ling was exposed.

Haru wrapped his hands around the string the ding-a-ling was attached to, and jerked.

* * *

(1) I used a very cheap, generic online translator that said **schnackseln** was German and means **to have sex.**

**A/N: **Can you tell I had too much fun with this chapter?


	16. CENSORED! Survey says

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations. "All day long it's in and out. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?"

**Rating:** T

**A/N:** Hurray for double meanings! This chapter is dedicated to AKITO! At the Disco because a few weeks ago on the 26th of February, she reached the one year anniversary of writing in the Fruits Basket fandom. Go read her stories and review, they are very funny and entertaining! If you read my bio, I have a link to an anime music video I made about Haru, Kyo, and Yuki and the Tra-la-la song. Go watch it!

Before I forget, **Luna32 **asked a question about the last chapter: _now in the end was it really his dick showing, and were him and the ox really having sex or what?_

My answer is simple, if that's what you thought Haru jerked, then yes… they had sex. If, by any chance, you truly thought I meant the bells, then… they didn't. Ah… I'm so wonderfully ambiguous!

**

* * *

Chapter Sixteen: Dirty Survey

* * *

**

Hatsuharu flipped through a magazine, reading over the article curiously before tapping Kyo's shoulder. The red head looked over at the ox with confusion before Haru grinned,

"Kyo, I'm going to ask you questions and you give me the answer you think fits best. Okay?" Kyo nodded, wondering why questions got the ox so excited.

"Alright, shoot."

"Question one: when I go in, I might cause pain. I make you spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?" Kyo blushed slightly, raising his eyebrow,

"Uh… Haru… what kind of question is that?" Haru merely shrugged. "Um… I'll just skip that one for now…" Kyo said as Haru nodded, still grinning.

"Question two: a finger goes in me-" Before Haru could finish Kyo was in the process of trying to scramble his shirt to his nose to stop blood.

"SKIP!" He shouted so his voice wouldn't sound muffled through the shirt. Haru chuckled before nodding, skimming the page for the next one.

"Question three: I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?" Before he could stop himself, Kyo spoke,

"Momiji." Haru burst into laughter as Kyo colored darkly. "Alright, next question!"

"Number four: I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?" Kyo gave a horrified look as his mouth opened and a name fell out.

"Shigure." Haru merely raised an eyebrow, not daring to question how Kyo would know Shigure came out soft.

"Number five: all day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?" Kyo's face paled and he glared at Haru, would staring pointedly at a pitched tent Kyo.

"Don't. Say. Anything." Haru gave a knowing smile before chuckling to himself.

"Number six: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I?"

"WHAT THE HELL? Haru, refuse to speak to you any long about this test." Kyo said, his red eyes narrowing. Haru pouted,

"We're already on question six out of ten, don't give up now!" Kyo sighed and gave in. "Yay!" Haru's face instantly brightened up.

"Number seven: If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?" Kyo's mouth opened and closed like a fish.

"Is that one of Shigure's books?" Kyo asked, his voice barely above a whisper as blood continued to soak his shirt. Haru shrugged.

"Question eight: I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?" Kyo's eyebrows furrowed upwards. He wasn't sure about that one… maybe he WASN'T a super pervert after all?

"Question nine: I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?" Kyo smiled. He didn't know that one either! He really **wasn't** a super pervert. He was normal! He wasn't a dirty old man! He was...

"Last question: I'm at least six inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?"

"Screwed." (1)

Haru choked before being dragged on top of Kyo's body, lips pressed to his own.

The magazine with _'Dirty IQ' _printed on the page fell to the floor.

* * *

**(1) **The thought 'He Was' and Kyo saying 'Screwed' is suppose to go together. Like, he was thinking and Haru interrupted with the question and Kyo spoke and thought 'screwed' at the same time.

**A/N: **I actually gave this little test thing to kids at my school. I think only two or three people had perverted answers. The real reason why I didn't have Kyo answer was because I wanted to know what you all had running through your minds. Heh-heh… anyway I hope you like it AKITO! At the Disco. If you guys want the answers… then say so in a review, and I'll post it in the next chapter…


	17. CENSORED! Good, Bad, Worse

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations. "In the world, things tend to happen in the order of Good, Bad, Worse. The Sohma family is no acception. Why is Tohru stealing Haru's vibrator?"

Woo! I updated the next day! Since so many people wanted the real answers, I'm just going to post them on my bio along with the question so you could take the test and see if you got any right. So go read my bio and you'll see the answers to chapter 16. Anyway, on to the chapter! Each part of the chapter is suppose to be read as a stand alone; i.e. when you see the divider, it takes place somewhere else/at a different time.

* * *

**Chapter 17: Good, Bad, Worse

* * *

**

Hatsuharu growled. He had looked everywhere for that damn vibrator. After searching under his bed for the ninth time, he stormed into the kitchen where Kyo, Yuki, Shigure, and Tohru all sat.

"Where the hell is my vibrator?" Haru asked, dangerously close to become black. Tohru pouted slightly before bowing her head to the younger teen,

"I'm sorry Hatsuharu, but I borrowed it!"

**BAD: You can't find your vibrator.  
WORSE: Some chick"borrowed" it.**

* * *

Hatori's eyes narrowed as he pulled a movie from Akito's room. Honestly, the woman couldn't be trusted to go out for a simple DVD, could she? Looking on the cover, Hatori blushed a furious shade of red when the words, **YUMMY P0RN: for your pedaphillic pleasures** were written across the top. 

However, upon further inspection, he noticed something even more disturbing. Kyo and Haru were making out on the back of the DVD cover.

**BAD: You find a porn movie in your God's room.  
WORSE: Her cousins are in it**

**

* * *

**

Sitting down solemly on her cloud, the red haired woman who had given birth to Kyo frowned. Her brown eyes were lined with tears and her face rested in her hands. Next to her was an equally solem woman, sporting black hair and green eyes, Hatsuharu's mother. The two woman looked at each other before bursting into tears.

"I was already upset when I heard Kyo had finally lost his virginty! But now..." Kyo's mother sobbed as she hugged onto the black haired Sohma. The other woman was in a similar state.

"I know... I thought he would at least bed a nice girl. But to find out that..." The two woman pulled apart, faces dirty with tears. Suddenly, they pointed at each other,

"He's gay with your son, his cousin, is unbearable!" The two woman shouted at the same time. Shortly there after, the two began to sob once more.

**BAD: Your child is sexually active.  
WORSE: With his cousin.

* * *

**

Kagura's eyebrows raised in confusion as she stared at the female before her. No. Wait. That was a man. And moreover, it was Kyo. The cat sported a dark orange wig with a small amount of makeup on. He wore a tight, black, knee-lenght dress while gold ear-rings adorned his ears. A golden necklace with 'K' on it was around his neck.

"Oh my God. Kyo..." Suddenly, a man whistled from off the street.

"Sexy redhead, wanna ditch the Butch and come to my place?"

**BAD: Your friend's a cross dresser.  
WORSE: He looks better than you.**

**

* * *

**

Kagura's tear-stained face tugged slightly at Kyo's heart. She latched onto his waiste, sobbing hysterically. "WHY? Why are you dumping me?" She shouted, refusing to let go. Kyo sighed. He wasn't going to tell her this but...

She was starting to get on his nerves.

"I'm gay, so I'm leaving you for Haru. Are you happy now?" He asked before prying her off of him and storming away from the house. Kagura's tears fell down faster.

She couldn't believe she was just dumped for her boyfriend's cousin!

**BAD: Your boyfriend's leaving you.  
WORSE: For another man.**

**

* * *

**

Haru and Kyo panted, out of breath and sweaty. Tanned flesh clashed with pale flesh as the two continued their "workout" on the lawn of Shigure's estate. Suddenly though, a stick cracked and caught to two's attention. Standing in a clearing between two trees was Akito.

Her eyes narrowed, but her hands were currently rested on her breast.

A look of horror passed Kyo's face as Haru remained impassive and Akito remained horny.

"If you stop, you're going in the cage."

**GOOD: Hot outdoor sex.  
BAD: You're caught.  
WORSE: By a horny Akito.

* * *

**

"Hey, Yuki, me and Kyo were wondering... if you were up for a quickie tonight?" A grin spread across Haru's face as Yuki smiled slightly and nodded.

"Sure." Haru's grin widened as he ran to Kyo's room.

"Kyo! Kyo! Wanna have a threesome with me and Yuki?" He asked, jumping on Kyo's bed. The cat scowled, pulled the covers over his head, and snapped,

"NO! I'm not in the mood."

Haru's face fell.

**GOOD: Yuki said "yes."  
BAD: Kyo says "no."**

**

* * *

**

Hatsuharu growled as he overturned tables in his older cousins' classroom. As he proceeded to beat up random kids, Yuki hit Kyo in the back of the head.

"What did you do to piss him off?" The rat asked as Kyo frowned, pointing to his teacher who was hiding behind her desk,

"She's the one who wants to fuck me!"

**GOOD: The teacher likes your cousin.  
BAD: Sexually.  
WORSE: So does Black Haru**

**

* * *

**

"What the hell is going on here, without me?" Haru asked, his eyes narrowing as he gazed at the two teens spawled on Kyo's bed. Purple and red hair were matted with sweat as tan and pale fingers became unlaced.

"Uh... a quickie to warm up?

**GOOD: You came home for a quickie.  
BAD: Haru walks in.

* * *

**

Kyo's eyebrows furrowed together in interested confusion. Just what the hell was his boyfriend DOING with the family? Turning the page, Kyo continued to read Haru's schedual for the next week.

_Momiji: Spit roast, Momiji-Uke_

_Shigure: Doggy style, Shigue-Seme_

_Ayame: 69, Ayame-Uke (bring gag, Ayame screams)_

_Hatori: Missionary position, Hatori-Seme_

_Ritsu: Spoons position, Ritsu-Uke_

_Yuki: Bondage, Yuki-Uke_

_Hiro: Spanking, Hiro-Uke_

**GOOD: Your boyfriend's kinky.  
BAD: With the male family members.  
WORSE: All seven of them.

* * *

I got the sex positions from Wikipedia, I got the Good, Bad, Worse joke from some website and changed it. Ha, hope you enjoyed the chapter. It's a bit long, don't cha think?**


	18. CENSORED! Guessing Game

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **Based slightly on a Little Johnny joke. It's been a few days, but not that long. Heh, anyway please review, since I've got nothing witty to say today.

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen: Guessing Game

* * *

**

Various members of the Sohma family sat in the kitchen of Shigure's house, drinking tea in silence. Tohru nibbled on her lip, the silence making her uncomfortable. Kyo and Haru kept exchanging glances. Momiji and Hatori were exchanging glances. Ayame and Yuki and Shigure were exchanging glances.

"Let's play a guessing game!" Tohru finally chirped, breaking the staring contests. "We'll all describe something and everyone else will guess what it is. I'll go first!" Tohru said, grinning happily at the fact she had found something for everyone to do.

The males sighed, but eventually got into the game. After going through the family, it was finally Haru's turn. Grinning, he leaned back in his chair, putting his hands in his pockets.

"I've got something in my pocket that's round and hard, what is it?" He asked, opening one eye to gaze at his cousins. Tohru put her finger on her chin, trying to guess, while Shigure and Ayame snickered, and Hatori, Momiji, and Yuki gasped.

"Haru, that's disgusting!" Kyo shouted, hitting the ox on top of his head. Haru chuckled,

"That's not what you said last night, Kyo." Kyo flushed red and everyone's gaze shifted to the cat. Beads of sweat trickled down his face.

"Uh…"

"It's a quarter!" Tohru piped up, beaming at the cursed family. Haru nodded, pulling a quarter from his pocket and tossing it on the table.

"Pray tell Kyo, what on Earth were you thinking, hmm?"

Kyo's mouth opened and closed, leaving him gaping like a fish.

'_How did he do that?'_


	19. CENSORED! Wet cocks

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **Another update. This is what happens when you're stuck in a computer class for three hours, re-read all your favorite fics, and have the internet at your disposal. God, I hate when the upper classmen test, everyone else has to suffer. Also, there's a line in this chapter that I got from **Mrs Alichay Sohma** when she reviewed my last chapter. Thank you very much **Mrs Alichay Sohma** for letting me use that sentence. Also, the title is a bit... uh... weird...

**Bold words- **The phrase that **Mrs Alichay Sohma** allowed me to use.

* * *

**Chapter Nineteen: Wet Cocks

* * *

**

Up and down. Swirl it in his mouth. Suck. Repeat.

A very nice little pattern the two had going on, the only sounds being Haru moaning and birds twittering about.

No doubt about it, outdoor sex was simply bliss.

Unfortuantly, the outside had no locks, and when Tohru had noted that Haru and Kyo had been missing for the past hour, set out to find them. Going deeper into the woods, she smiled at the sun and waved at the little animal critters.

"Hello Mr. Sun! Hi all the wonderful woodland creatures!" She beamed, and the birds began twittering even louder, and small insects were buzzing around her. (Is it just me, or does Tohru have the total 'Disney Princess' act down?).

"Kyo!" Tohru rushed the noise, ready to tell the ox and cat that lunch was ready and to come.

Too bad Haru already came. (Sorry, bad joke about cumming and such...). Grinning as she saw white and orange, Tohru leap into the clearing, only to stand shocked.

Haru had his pants down and Kyo was between his legs... hmm...

"Uh... Hatsuharu... Kyo...?" Tohru squeaked as Kyo flushed red and Haru fumbled with his pants.

"It's not what it looksl ike Tohru!" Kyo tried as he wiped his mouth clean.

"**It's a cock**!" Tohru shouted, pointing in the direction of Haru. The two looked horrified at Tohru as she skipped over.

Then past Haru and Kyo, and towards a seemingly randomly placed water valve.

"I can't believe Shigure would put his cock way out here. Really, it should be near the house incase the indoor cock goes dry. Well, lunch is ready, let's go!" Tohru chirped, as Kyo twitched and Haru pulled up his pants.

"Okay then, come on Kyo." The cat continued to twitched, and Haru was forced to drag him to Shigure's place.

* * *

Yep, that's it. FYI, I looked up 'cock' on wikipedia, and it said that a tap or valve for water was also called a cock. That's the main reason why I had them screw outside... or it could've been in the bathroom... but this was more fun, ne? Anyway, please review. My goal for this story is to get at least two hundred reviews by the time I get to the date of me writting for 1 year! Yosh! 


	20. OMAKE: Domme Tohru

**CENSORED!**

**Summary:** In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N:** This is sort of an omake chapter, straying away from the Kyo/Haru-ness and focusing on a different character. Kind of like chapter 13 (PSA) could be called an omake since it was just Kyo ranting on how yaoi is an anti-drug. Anyway, this chapter is dedicated to Tohru and her secret double life (cause you have you get suspicious when someone acts THAT innocent).

* * *

**Chapter 20: Omake: Dominatrix Tohru**

* * *

Donning elbow-length, fingerless, leather gloves, a black basque, and black lace panties, Tohru smirked. Her hair was in two braids and her brown eyes seemed black in the dim, candle lit room. She stood atop the bruised body of Hiro, her leather hooker boots embedding themselves into the soft flesh. 

"You worthless piece of scum." She spat on the younger boy, reaching onto a table to grabbing a whip. Stepping off the cursed, she picked him up by the neck and threw him onto the bed so that he laid on his stomach.

She rared back and began smacking Hiro's back with the sharp leather. Cackling at the screams and whimpers Hiro gave, she continued to call him vile names.

"You disgusting little bitch!" Once she had managed to draw blood, she dropped the whip. Despite dropping the object, her motions did not stop. She continued to hit the sheep, only now it was a spanking administered to his rump.

"Tell me you're a fucking bitch!" She shouted, hitting harder and harder. The nude sheep finally cried out, spilling white glop onto the bed sheets.

Tohru stopped spanking the youth, beaming. She began picking up her various toys, whips, chains, and other torture devices as Hiro panted.

"T-thoru, that was..." He huffed as Tohru smiled at him. Patting the boy on the head, she nodded in understanding.

"I know Hiro, I'll be back next week, okay? Now have you seen Akito today?"

* * *

**A/N:** Hiro always seems like the masochist type. And we all known Akito is just a little freak... 


	21. CENSORED! Love Letters

**CENSORED!**

**Summary:** In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N:** Wow, it's been a while. I was suppose to have this chapter uploaded about three days ago, but I had some issues. Mostly dealing with school. Since I'm borderline failing Geometry, I've had to go to Tutoring afterschool all week, and I've had no time to write. But now, it's not only the weekend, but Spring Break for me! Yay! Hopefully speedy updates!

Oh, Luna32 asked: _Have you ever considered writing longer chapters? They would be so much better if there was more to them. _

I really haven't thought about making the chapters longer then a couple hundred words. When I first started this story, my idea was to write short drabble-like chapters. Maybe every now and then, I can write a longer chapter... but I won't promise anything. If it makes you feel better though, this chapter is a little more then 1,000 words.

* * *

**Chapter 21: CENSORED! Love Letters

* * *

**

Haru furiously scribbled onto a peice of bright red paper with little hearts. His white bangs fell into his darkened eyes, forcing him to blow the locks away, annoyed. He really couldn't be bother with the mindless task of pushing his hair back, he was too busy doing important work. Kyo's birthday was in a day, and he was going to give the cat a mindblowing present. You know, other then a good screw. Yes, despite being such a horn-dog, Haru _did_ care about the romance in a relationship.

As long as Kyo kept bitching about not being courted like a woman would be, anyway.

Reading over his recently written poem/letter, Haru made a sour face.

'_Kyo, you are like one big lolly. I just wanna lick you and suck you and-' _Haru had a feeling that wasn't what Kyo wanted to read. The ox crumbled the paper and threw it over his shoulder, growling under his breath. Taking another sheet, he began again, this time even more determined to express his love.

After writting another paragraph, Haru sat back to admire his work, sure that this would be _the one_.

'_Kyo, I love you and want to bear your babies, so-' _Haru's eyebrows furrowed, what the hell? Bear your babies. Men couldn't have babies, so then where had that line come from? Oh... yeah... it was from the letter Rin wrote to him. Pressing his lips together, Haru tried again with a new sheet.

He couldn't strike out every time, could he?

'_Kyo, I have real respect for your determination, despite the fact that you will never beat Yuki...'_

Haru sighed, Kyo wouldn't really want to be reminded of how sucky a fighter he was. Ripping the sheet into little bits, his resolve was slowly starting to weaken. Grabbing his pen forcefully, Haru tried once again to write the perfect love confession. He would proclaim undying love to the cat, damn it! And he would find a way to do it that would get him laid.

'_Kyo, K is for kissing, Y is for yaoi, O is for oral…'_

"Damn it... now he'll think I'm completely sex-crazed. Which ins't a lie... but..." Haru groaned, he was talking to himself now. God, the cat was going to drive him crazy.

'_Kyo, I am writing to inform you that when I see you, my head gets light and my leather pants tighten just a tinsy bit.'_

"Uh..."

'_Kyo, please fuck me!'_

"That's just sad..."

'_Kyo, roses are red, violets are blue, cocks up my ass are cool and yours will do!' _

"These fucking suck..." Haru whined. Screw this, he was just gonna give Kyo the next one he wrote!

* * *

"Happy Birthday, Kyo!" Tohru shouted, thowing the cat a neatly wrapped box. Shigure also tossed Kyo a box, while Yuki glowered. 

"No present, Rat?" Kyo asked, raising an eyebrow. Yuki sighed,

"You'll get your present tonight. You get to be seme." Kyo grinned widely and poked Yuki in the nose.

"Aw, you'd give up being top just for me? Thanks." Kyo said, oddly cheerful. Tohru blinked, tilting her head to the side.

"Um... Yuki, since Kyo's going to be seme, will you call him Master?" Kyo blinked as Yuki flushed.

"Uh... no... that's only in bondage, Miss Honda." Tohru nodded as Kyo gave the two a weird look. Suddenly, the door was flung open and a panting Haru threw a folded piece of paper at the cat.

"Happy fucking Birthday." Haru spat, clearly peeved at all the trouble he had to go through. Kyo gave the ox a questionable look, wondering what had gotten into him. Looking at the red envolope, there was writting in silver sharpie marker.

_'Fuck you with something hard and sandpapery.'_

It was obviously some strange way Haru was using to vent. But still... that was a bit... uncalled for.

"Why are you mad at me? And why do you want me to be fucked with something hard and sandpapery?" Kyo asked as Haru pouted.

"Because of the bullshit I had to go through for your stupid present." Kyo opened the envolope, expecting some extravagant present. Like money. Instead, a folded paper fell onto the table. Shigure instantly grabbed it, hoping to humiliate his cousins. Haru rolled his eyes, not bothering to stop the dog, while Kyo squawked.

"Hey! That's mine, stupid dog!" Kyo shouted, trying to grab the note back. Shigure smirked and unfolded the letter, reading each word slowly and loudly.

_"Kyo, I have gay-feelings for you, so will you be my gay-fuck buddy? Because I really like you and stuff. Hatsuharu."_

Shigure began to cackle and tossed the paper onto the table. Haru snorted, he didn't think it was that bad. Kyo gaped, Haru could be... such a tactless bastard sometimes.

"That's very sweet Hatsuharu! I'm sure Kyo loves it!" Tohru chirped, as Yuki shook his head.

"You two are weird." He said as Haru gave the rat a flirty grin and Kyo shrugged.

"Want to be weird with us?" Yuki grimaced.

"Kyo has to be seme."

There was a deadly silence in the air as Haru took a sharp intake of breath, and Kyo held a drunk-looking grin.

"WHAT?"

* * *

I'm going to have so much fun with the next chapter. I'll give you a hint: LAME PICK-UP LINES. 


	22. CENSORED! Pickup Lines

**CENSORED!**

**Summary:** In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N:** This chapter was suppose to be out yesterday... but I only finished half the chapter, and was too lazy to do the rest. Anyway, enjoy Haru's lame pick-up lines used to seduce Kyo.

Oh yeah, **ilovekyosohma** gave me one of her favourite pick-up lines, so I'm going to use it in the chapter. I hope you don't mind!

* * *

**Chapter 22: CENSORED! Pickup lines**

* * *

Brights lights flashed all over the dank club as many bodies moved together on the dance floor. Loud, booming music pounded through Kyo's head, giving him a headache. 

Why the hell was he in a nightclub?

Oh yeah, Shigure bribed him, Tohru, and Yuki to leave for the night while Ayame and Momiji came over. Kyo rolled his eyes, half-wondering what Hatori would say when he found out he wasn't included in their little sex night. Taking a swig of water (because he had low alcohol tolerance) Kyo scowled at the bar.

Tohru had donned some silk, transparent skirt that came to her mid-thigh, and a small piece of cotton she had called a shirt that looked more like a back-less bra. Wearing such an outfit had instantly gotten her the attention of several guest, and she had been hauled off to dance. Or give a blow job, Kyo couldn't remember which.

Yuki was wearing some... leather outfit he said 'was just lying around'. Leather booty shorts, leather vest with no shirt underneath, and leather boots. He looked like a damn transvestite. Where the rat was, no one knew, but Kyo thought he saw him with some brown haired cross-dresser. Said brunette cross-dresser was bitching about some girl named 'Haruhi' who apparently was in a reverse harem or something.** (1)** Kyo wasn't really paying attention.

Downing the rest of his water, Kyo slumped, he was having a shitty time while Tohru was dancing (or giving blow jobs) and Yuki was with some man/woman.

Suddenly, someone tapped the cat on the shoulder. Jumping slightly, Kyo turned around to see a pleather-clad ox. Haru waved with a small grin as Kyo blinked. Gesturing to the seat beside him, Kyo rubbed the thin material of Haru's clothes.

"Don't you usually wear leather? What's with this plastic leather?" Kyo asked as Haru frowned,  
"I didn't know leather was made from cows."

There was silence as Kyo fought a bout of laughter. Really, was the ox so... slow as to not realize that leather was made from cow hides? As Kyo was musing over what else Haru could not know, said ox poked the cat in the side.

"What?" Kyo hissed out, rubbing his abused stomach.

"You look familiar, have I seen you before?" Kyo eyed the ox wearily. Was Haru drunk?  
"Uh... yeah, I'm your cousin." Haru shook his head,

"No, no. Oh! I remember, you look like my next fuck-buddy!" Haru half-shouted, pointing a finger at an annoyed Kyo. The cat slapped the finger away, ignoring Haru pouting.

"Damn horny pervert, can't you keep your mind off sex for even a minute?" Kyo asked, his red eyes narrowing. Haru gave Kyo a sort of kicked puppy look before nibbling on his lip.

"K-kyo... if I bit my lip, would you kiss it better?" Kyo rolled his eyes, okay so this one was better. Kyo shoved a hand to the ox's face to push the overeager teen away.

"No Haru, I will not kiss your bloody lip." Haru muttered a few words under his breather before grabbing Kyo's hands. Pulling them to his face, Haru gave a tanned finger a chaste kiss,

"If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?" Kyo flushed slightly snatching his hand back. Was Haru so desperate as to actually go through every lame pick-up line imaginable? Kyo mentally shook his head, he would not give in to Haru.

But then again... if he said 'You must be Jamaican, cause you making me crazy!', then Haru would sporting a very sore head.

"Kyo, I have something very serious to ask you." Kyo raised an eyebrow, not believing the ox but allowing him to continue. "Kyo, do you spray your pants with Windex? Because I can totally see myself in them." Kyo's hand became a fist as he bopped the white and black haired boy in the head.

"Stupid!"

"Oh come on baby, I'm like the Rubik cube. The more you play with me the harder I get!" Haru smirked as Kyo turned a bright scarlet. Kyo stood up, ready to simply walk out of the bar.

"Wait! Wait! We can role-play; I'll be the Titanic, and you be the ice burg, and I'll go down on you!" Several people stopped what they were doing to watch the duo. Kyo opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. Haru grinned, ready to grab Kyo's hand and have hot man sex.

"Arrg! God-damn it Haru, why the hell do you have to be so loud!" Kyo shouted, searching for a quick way to get out of the club without bumping into any girls.

"Because I want to proclaim my love for you to all the world, kitty!" Kyo sighed, letting Haru take hold of his hand and lead him out of the crowded club.

"Fine, you win Haru, we'll go to your place and fuck." Kyo said, sounding strained and tired.

* * *

**Later on**

(Because I don't have the proper skills to write a lime/lemon)

Haru and Kyo laid together, entangled in the stained sheets. Kyo rolled over and laid his head on Haru's shoulder. "Damn good thing your so determined."

"Yeah, uh... Kyo." Kyo looked up to meet a smug looking face. Suddenly, a quarter was shoved into the cat's face.

"What is it Haru, are you paying me to leave?" Haru chuckled, shaking his head.

"No, actually, I want to know. If I flip this quarter, what are the chances of me getting head?" Kyo frowned, getting up from the warm bed to take a shower and leave.

"Oh come on Kyo! For the love of God, have me!"

* * *

**A/N:** What fun! I hope you all enjoyed it. There's only about a month left for me to try and get 200 reviews, so review my story damn it! Also, I'm thinking about uploading chapters every Sunday and Wednesday, how does that sound? 

**(1)** Hee-hee, just me tossing in a character from Ouran Highschool Host Club, it's a good anime (even if it's not in English). Here's a link to more information on it, because I'm not good with summarys. Just take out the spaces: en (dot) wikipedia (dot) org (back slash) wiki (back slash) Ouran (underscore) Host (underscore) Club


	23. CENSORED! 10 uses for a table

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **I'M SO SORRY! I was suppose to have this uploaded this morning at like six because I _knew _I was going to be gone all day (we went shopping, and for whatever reason, when woman shop it takes all day). But I couldn't get on the computer this morning while I was getting ready.

Anyway I got the idea for this chapter from a joke called '101 uses for Vaseline'. Anyway please enjoy. Done in the format of 'Good, Bad, Worse'.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Three: 10 uses for a table

* * *

**  
Kyo made several coughing noises while clawing at his throat. Yuki and Tohru looked at the cat curiously, wondering what was wrong with him. As tanned skin was slowly turning blue, Haru walked behind Kyo and shoved his body into the table. Kyo landed unceremoniously on the wooden table, spitting up a piece of fish-bone that he had been choking on. 

**(1) The Heimlich Maneuver**

**

* * *

**

When Hatsuharu had awoken that morning, back aching and the scent of food surrounding him, two thoughts flooded his head. One, Kyo wasn't a gentle seme, and two, Kyo was bringing him food in bed. When he sat up and looked around, seeing no sheets and the bed looking like oak, he was very confused.

There were many plates around him, and most of the family was ignoring his presence and eating breakfast. Haru blinked when Kyo shoved a fork into his side.

"Move your ass, I can't reach the eggs." Kyo said as Haru blinked again.

"I fell asleep on the table and no one woke me up?" He asked, glaring at Kyo and Yuki, who both shrugged innocently.

"You seemed comfortable."

**(2) A bed

* * *

**

"Ah! God-damn it, be gentle!" Kyo screeched, wiggling under Haru, who was straddling him. He moaned loudly, trying to find a comfortable position. Haru stopped his motions to whack Kyo's head.

"Stay still, or else I'll miss." Haru said, "And it'll hurt like hell when I miss." He added as an after thought. The prospect of more pain caused Kyo to still instantly.

"Why the hell am I doing this?"

"Because you love me so much, Kitty-Kitty."

"Don't call me that!" Kyo hissed, both in anger and pain. This type of stuff never seemed to hurt on television.

"Almost done, super sexy king of all Ukes Kyo."

"Bastard." Kyo muttered, then screamed as Haru pricked Kyo in the back. Hard. "Ack!" He turned around to see a grinning Haru.

"All done!" He chirped, sliding off of Kyo's back. He admired the tattoo he had convinced Kyo into getting. Yes, a free tattoo done by yours truly. Why Haru knew how to do tattoos was still a mystery to Kyo, but the cat wasn't about to get curious.

Prancing off, Haru left Kyo on the table to wait until all the pain subsided. Suddenly, Tohru came past the table on her way to the kitchen. She stopped and leaned over Kyo, reading the tattoo's words out-loud.

"_I am Hatsuharu Sohma's bitch, please do not touch_. That's a lovely tattoo Kyo! Maybe Momiji should get one, since Hatori and Shigure are always arguing over him." Tohru suggested as she went into the kitchen.

Kyo's ears turned red in embarrassment at the words forever etched into his back.

"HARU! You stupid fucker!"

**(3) A Tattoo Parlor

* * *

**

Left, left, right, forward, back, back, back, left-right, forward-left. Kyo's eyes were glued to the screen while his feet attempted to keep up with the pattern on the television. He would beat the rat! Yes! It was genius! A Dance-Dance Revolution battle on the table-top.

Tohru and Haru were to judge the match, and sat to the side of the dancing duo.

The number on Kyo's side grew larger and larger, while Yuki scowled. Rats were not made to dance. Cats on the other hand were graceful as hell.

When a relatively calm part of the song came, Kyo kept messing up; apparently his mind and feet went faster then the board. This allowed for Yuki to catch up in points. Yuki flashed a smirk to the disgruntled cat, they were more or less even now.

Suddenly, the song jolted in speed, and Kyo lost his footing. "Fuck!" He shouted, sliding on the soft pad and falling to certain concussion. Before his orange head could bash against the wood floor, Haru leapt to his feet and reached forward.

Like in all dramatic movies, Haru indeed caught Kyo, and the two gazed into each others' eyes deeply. Haru brought Kyo's body close to his, and pulled him forward so that they were nose to nose.

"Oh Kyo, my fallen angel. You don't have fall from the sky to get me to hold you." Haru smirked, expecting a swooning Kyo. Instead he got a mouth full of fist.

"Fucking pervert."

**(4) A DDR Arena

* * *

**

"I'll do it!" Kyo shouted, wearing dyed black cargo pants and black shirt. His once bright orange hair was dingy and had black tips, and his face was covered in eyeliner. Haru rolled his eyes, not another emo phase.

"Get down from there Kyo, you'll break something." Haru called in his monotonous voice, obviously not caring whether or not Kyo jumped.

"I've already broken my SOUL!" Kyo said, clutching his chest where his heart is dramatically. Haru sighed, what was wrong now?

"If you're going to jump, then jump already. Don't be an attention hog too." Haru said as Kyo sniffled and nodded, preparing himself for the lunge. Letting his body go limp, he fell face first downwards.

THUD

"Ompf."

He landed as a tangled mass of body on the hard floor. His arm and leg were bent in unnatural positions and he ached all over.

"Why didn't I die?" Haru began walking to the phone to call Hatori.

"Because you can't commit suicide from the table." **  
**  
**(5)** **A place to commit suicide (pokes fun at angsty/suicidal Kyo)

* * *

**

"Alright, now just move your ass so it sits on your head." Haru instructed as Kyo attempted to do as he was told. He didn't know exactly why Haru wanted to test his flexibility (although he was pretty sure it had to do with sex), but Kyo was also pretty curious as to how far he could bend. After all, cats were really flexible, right?

So then, Kyo should be able to move like contortionist.

That was more or less both of their logic.

It had resulted in Kyo standing on his hands with his back arched so that his butt sat on his head and his left leg thrown over his shoulder so that he was balancing on three objects. His right leg was in the air, bent at a ninety degree angle.

"Wow, I didn't think you could do it…" Haru muttered, as Tohru and Yuki walked in, holding hands. Apparently Tohru saw fit to test whether or not Yuki was gay. It seems that he's bi.

"I broke one of my Barbie dolls like that." Tohru said, looking at the still and red-faced Kyo in awe. He hands started to buckle and suddenly his entire body fell onto the table-top in a heap.

"No more contortion!" Kyo screeched from the broken debris of the table.

**(6) Contortion Platform

* * *

**

It had all happened so fast, Tohru was still confused. Kyo and Haru had come crashing through the sliding door, arms wrapped around each other, and faces connected.

Yuki had kicked the table upright moments before Kyo and Haru had landed on the two, effectively shielding the once eating duo.

Not to mention working as a _lovely _support for Kyo's back.

"What's going on Yuki?"

"A threesome."

"Hu-wha?" Tohru looked to where Yuki _was_ only to see air. She peeked from around the table and 'eep'ed. It appears that Yuki _can_ count.  
**  
(7) A Brace

* * *

**

Kyo stood atop the table, looking down at the accumulated guest.

"Hello everyone, Haru has called you all here so that I may announce something very special." Kyo said, his eye ticking and Haru snickering. Everyone consisted of Tohru, Shigure, Hatori, Momiji, and Yuki; although Kyo had the sinking suspicion that Akito was hiding in the shadows. The freak had taken to stalking various members of the male family who were known for being… queer.

"…"

"Well?" Yuki asked, placing a hand on his hip and glaring. Kyo glared back but remained silent.

"Say it, damn it!" Haru shouted, close to going black.

"I was gonna, stupid! Ahem. In front of the important family members, I would like to tell you Haru; I want to pound your pooper." (1)

"…"

"Good for you Kyo!" Tohru chirped, clapping her hands.

**(8) Podium

* * *

**

Pale, cold hand slid up Kyo's naked upper body tweaking nipples and touching various parts of Kyo's body. Everywhere Hatori touched, Kyo gave some sort of sound; mews, purrs (yes, Kyo purred), and other such sounds. Every time Kyo opened his mouth to moan (or bitch that Hatori needed to warm his hands up), Hatori would document it in a little pad.

After twenty or so minutes, the two ended up naked and Hatori pushed Kyo on top of the small, wooden table. Straddling the younger boy, Hatori was about to, for lack of a better term, fuck his brains out, when Haru crashed through the door.

"What the fuck is going on?" Black Haru screamed, pointing at the two. Kyo flushed and tried to put his shirt back on while Hatori smirked.

"Isn't it obvious? Just a little check-up."

**(9) Check-ups

* * *

**

Haru uncomfortably shifted, his ass numb and probably getting splinters from the table. His hands were dung into Kyo's orange hair as he pulled the older boy lower.

"Don't make me bald." Kyo muffled out, his head bobbing up and down.

"What… ever… just finish…" Haru groaned as the table creaked. Kyo grunted and continued his motions. Haru shivered in pleasure as he came closer.

Just… a little… further…

**Crack!**

**Thud!**

**Ompf!**

When Shigure found the two an hour later, Haru's manhood apparently had been bitten as blood leaked onto the floor and dripped from Kyo's mouth, the table had cracked in half and broken, and Kyo was more then likely choking.

(10) Oral

* * *

**A/N: **This was suppose to be 50 uses, then it went down to 25, now it's 10. I'm thinking that maybe, if I ever think of more uses, I'll make a part 2. Anyway I'll see you guys Wednesday. 

(1) **I want to pound your pooper** is a line that anonymous reviewer Lacey- that oober cool person requested I use in a chapter.


	24. CENSORED! Telephone

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **I made this during class and got the idea from my first period. It's political science, and we were talking about how information gets distorted over time. To show an example, we played that game Telephone (and I fucked it up on purpose).

P.S. AKITO! At the Disco had a quote in her review that I want to use in this chapter.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Four: CENSORED! Telephone

* * *

**

Yuki, Kyo, Hatsuharu, and Tohru sat in the living room on the floor, flipping through television channels. Seventy or so channels and NOTHING was on. Although Haru had hesitated before turning on one channel, and the group had heard an interesting commercial.

"DOES KITTY WANT SOME MILK?"

Kyo had colored and Haru had smirked. Finally, the world was acknowledging that cows can be kinky!

"Um… since nothing is on, how about we all play telephone!" Everyone looked at her like she was high.

"Why?" Kyo asked, snorting.

"Because it's better then nothing!" Tohru said, squealing. Haru sighed,

"I could think of much better things to do with my time then play telephone. Like screw Kyo."

"Let's play telephone!" Yuki said, as Tohru bounced around happily and Haru glowered at the rat. Kyo sighed, his ass was safe for another day.

Tohru had everyone sit in a circle. Her, then Yuki, then Haru, and lastly Kyo. She started, trying to think of a really good one. She grinned, and finally leaned over and whispered something into Yuki's ear. He scowled slightly before nodding and leaning over to Haru's ear.

He whispered, "Don't need to move fast… uh… guards are moving like molasses." Haru cast Yuki a curious glance before reached over to whisper into the cat's ear.

"Okay, hey Kyo, um, shit. What was it? Oh yeah, move your ass, guards fucking up our asses."

"What?" Kyo said, ripping his ear away from Haru's mouth. Haru blinked,

"Yeah, that's what Yuki said." Haru said as Kyo scowled.

"Tohru, did you start with _'Move your ass, guards are fucking up our asses'_?" Tohru shook her head, her head titling in confusion.

"No, I said _'We need to jog fast, you guys have saggy abs'_." Kyo deadpanned, and looked at Yuki who was blushing.

"Uh… well, I told Haru _'Don't need to move fast, guards are moving like molasses'_."

"How the **hell **do you get _guards are fucking up our asses _from what Tohru said?" Kyo asked, smacking Haru in the head. The ox shrugged, rubbing his sore head.

"I don't know, but at least it rhymed."

Kyo smacked himself in the forehead. Why was his boyfriend so stupid sometimes?


	25. The CENSORED Sedecution of Kyo Sohma

**CENSORED!**

**Summary:** In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **The long awaited chapter 25, sorry for the wait. As stated on my profile (do people even read those?) Sunday something was wrong with the uploading system... or my computer, I'm not sure which and Wednesday I was to busy with a project to update. But here is the chapter in all it's 3,000+ word glory. That's right, this chapter is over **3,000 **words long, I feel very proud of myself. I don't think the chapters will ever get this long again, unless it's like a holiday chapter... like for Christmas or Thanksgiving or something, so enjoy it.

**P.S.:** I got my 200 reviews, thanks to everyone who's reviewed my story so far, big thanks to Mrs Alichay Sohma who was my 200th reviewer. You don't get anything, but I thought it would be nice to let everyone know who reached 200.

**A few Review Replies:**

**NegoArgentaeDragotea:** Actually, I went to Yahoo and looked up 'lame pick-up lines' and clicked on one of the websites that shows up and then just picked some random ones. Unfortunately, my old as dust computer won't let me on DeviantART and keeps giving me some weird error message...

**Shan (anonymous reviewer):** Yes, there were more quotation marks then there should be...

**HotIceRed:** I'm so glad I was able to bring your Fruits Basket obsession back, yosh! Now I'll work even harder to keep my story funny!

**Amanita Jackson:** You can use the Good/Bad/Worse format... I don't own it...

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Five: The (censored) Seduction of Kyo Sohma**

* * *

_Seduction is the use of temptation and enticement, often sexual in nature, to attract or influence the behavior of another- Wikipedia_

Hatsuharu Sohma, who stood at five foot seven inches with a mop of bi-colored hard, who suffered from multiple personality disorder, who spaced out often while staring at the clouds, was becoming increasingly frustrated. While this was a normal occurrence for the sixteen year old, he could not solve his current problem in his normal fashion. Which was, to put it bluntly, let Black Haru beat the shit out of the cause of his frustration. But having Black Haru beat up Kyo would not solve his problems, no, that would probably worsen things.

Haru chewed a blade of grass with his arms crossed behind his head and laid on the bright green grass. He couldn't quite remember where he was at the moment, or why he was here. Something in the back of his head kept nagging at him, like he was suppose to be doing something important. He closed his murky gray eyes in an attempt to remember.

Suddenly, he felt something poke his forehead. Hard. Opening his eyes, he cast a glance to a girl who was squatted in front of him. Her face was tinted red from blushing, and sky blue locks were pulled up into a pony-tail. Her eyes were a red-violet color, and twinkled with a sort of knowing look.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" She asked, tilting her head to the side. Haru blinked, she looked vaguely familiar. Seeing the confusion laced in his eyes, the girl continued to speak, "It's just that when you left after that storm a few weeks ago, I didn't plan on seeing you again." Haru blinked again. So that was why she looked familiar.

"Uh... hey look, you think you can help me?" Haru said as the girl pursed her lips together.

"With what?"

"Seduction." The girl blush furiously, scrambling away from the teen.

"WHAT? Who are you seducing?!" She screamed, as Haru gazed at her passively.

"Cousin, seventeen, male, capricorn." Her jaw clenched as she eyed Haru oddly.

"You're male, older, capricorn cousin?" She repeated as the ox nodded. She played with her fingers while thinking for a few minutes. Haru began getting impatient, and just when he was about to tell her forget, she grinned.

"Bingo! I've got a great idea. You'll seduce your cousin in seven days! Just do something nice for him each day, while making it clear you want to get into his pants. Piece of cake." The girl smiled, obviously pleased with herself. Haru nodded, standing up and looming above the girl.

"Alright. I'll try it, seducing my Kitty in seven days will definitely get me his ass." He grinned smugly before waving at the girl. Said girl sighed, got up, and began making her way towards a temple. She shook her head, maybe giving that advice wasn't a good idea. Then again, it had worked for Kurama and Hiei.

**--- ---**

_Give your Capricorn thoughtful gifts that show your devotion and your ability to manage your bank account. They will appreciate the gesture, as well as the way you manage your money- Seduce your Capricorn Lover, Astrology(dot)com _(1)

**--- Day One ---**

Kyo had woken up to an odd smell. It wasn't the usual breakfast that Tohru was making, no, it smelt... flowery. Cracking open two crimson orbs, Kyo sat up in bed blinking. His room was littered with rose petals, they covered the bed, his body, the floor, everything. A sort of strangled gasp left his mouth. On his dresser were five vases filled with an assortment of roses, peonies, and pansies. Getting up, he noticed a small red note at the foot of his bed. Opening it, Kyo wearily read it, cautious since the whole birthday escapade.

"Because roses can only make you

Look even fucking sexier.

Love, Hatsuharu."

Kyo sighed, putting the letter on the bed and trotting out of his room down the hall. He needed a shower to get rid of the smell of flowers. He may have been gay but that didn't mean he had to smell like a damn pansy. Literally. As he reached the door the bathroom, he saw Yuki reading a letter.

"What's that?" Kyo asked, peering over the rat's shoulder. Yuki sneered,

"It's from Hatsuharu. Apparently there is a present for you inside the bathroom." Yuki snickered as Kyo blinked, bewildered, and entered the bathroom. A shriek came from the washroom and Yuki laughed even more.

"Holy shit!" Inside the bathroom, Kyo was clutching a pair of white boxers with chibi Haru heads on them. Storming out of the room, Kyo threw the underwear on the ground.

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Kyo shouted as Yuki merely shrugged, leaned against the wall. He was enjoying this far to much for Kyo's taste. Biting back a smart-ass retort to the rat, Kyo stomped back into the bathroom and pushed back the shower curtain. To scream again.

The tub was filled with steaming hot water, and more flower petals littered the top of the water. A few candles were lit around the edge, the same flowery scent filled the air. Kyo scowled, some one needed to beat the shit out of Haru's head.

Kyo spent the entire day swearing at flowers and smelling of roses.

--- ---

_Discipline is all well and good, but a little more fun wouldn't hurt -- and it just might help. Someone wants you to come out and play- Daily Flirt Horoscope for Capricorn (4/21/07), Astrology(dot)com_

**--- Day Two ---**

Kyo was slightly afraid to wake up today, fearing another assault of flowers. To his relief, Kyo awoke to the smell of nothing. Which in itself was odd, but a welcomed change from the roses. Opening his eyes, he saw that his room was cleaned of the petals, put the vases of flowers still remained. Tossing away his covers, Kyo left the warmth of his bedroom and walked down the hallway to the kitchen. It was oddly empty, no Tohru.

Kyo's eyebrows raised, did she get sick? No... he would have seen Hatori around if she was sick. Maybe she went out... yeah, out to shop or something. Kyo sighed, he was hungry... and he didn't want to cook. Lord knows Shigure and Yuki could burn water if they tried to make anything, and so Kyo was resigned to his fate to make breakfast.

Entering the kitchen, Kyo looked at the counter, where a plate of cookies sat. Still warm and covered in chocolate frosting, a small card sat next to them. Munching on a cookie, Kyo opened the card and skimmed it.

"My love for you,

Makes me high,

A sugar cookie for

My kitty

Laced with cantharides"

Kyo began spitting out the cookie, choking in the process. Haru was seriously off his rocker! Grabbing the plate, Kyo dumped the remaining cookies in the trash can. Haru was going to be banned from the kitchen if he pulled another stunt. But in the meantime, Kyo rushed the bathroom to try and wash away any traces of the Spanish Fly Cookie he had just eaten. (2)

--- ---

_Take the romantic initiative and the stars say you're likely to reap some seriously sweet rewards. Let your instinct guide you about who to approach and how -- it's right on target now.- Single's Love Horoscope (4/22/07), Cancer, Astrology(dot)com_

**--- Day Three ---**

After locking himself in his room all day yesterday, Kyo was seriously considering just running off to the mountains again. There was something wrong with Haru, and Kyo was not going to stand around and find out what. Laying in his bed, Kyo attempted to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, Tohru was knocking on his door and seemed not to want to give up.

"Kyo! Kyo, wake up! There's someone out here to see you!" Tohru sounded very excited, and Kyo was growing very curious as to what could make her this happy. Groaning, Kyo got out of bed and opened his door to see Tohru jumping up and down and grinning widely. She grabbed his hand and began dragging him towards the foyer.

"Come on, Kyo, or else he'll leave!"

"He?" Kyo asked but Tohru either didn't hear him, or ignored him. The closer they got the living room, the louder the sound of a keyboard being played got. It took Kyo roughly three minutes to come to the conclusion that Haru had something to do with this, and another two minutes to realize that something bad was going to happen.

"Wait Tohru!" The taller began pulling away, but alas, they had already reached the foyer. Kyo grumbled and looked forward to see Yuki and Shigure both sitting on the couch, the former shaking his head and the latter snickering. Tohru had dragged the cat over the couch before letting him go to sit on the arm of the chair.

"What the hell is going on?" Kyo asked, staring at the trio. Yuki sat there, a small smile on his face as he pointed to behind Kyo. Said cursed teen turned around and let out a yelp.

Behind him stood Hatsuharu himself, wearing a dark red, sleeve-less vest and black pleather pants. He was currently hitting random keys on a silver keyboard, grinning widely. He waved at Kyo,

"Hey, Kitty!" Kyo paled and was about to shout when Yuki pulled the cat down by the collar of his shirt. Kyo let out a small string of swears directed towards Yuki but was silenced when Haru once again began playing the keyboard. The tune was very face, dance-type music. Well, Kyo thought, at least it wasn't anything very slow or lovey-dovey.

_"I love your body_

_Not so much I like your mind_

_In fact you're boring_

_Pretend not being of my kind_

_You keep on talking of some girl I don't know_

_When will you shut up and when will we go_

_You were young, you're free,_

_Why don't you sleep with me?_

_You were young, you're free,_

_Why don't you sleep with me?_

_Shut up_

_and sleep with me_

_Come on why don't you sleep with me"_

Kyo grimaced, maybe a slow song would have been better. Haru seemed not to notice Kyo's discomfort as he continued to sing, off-key, and loudly.

The residents of the home ended up spending the entire day listening to Haru sing various songs. What disturbed Kyo the most, however, was that most of the songs were those very bouncy, Dance Dance Revolution songs; things like I Do by Creamy and Look at Us Now by Sarina Paris.

'_That dumbass must have taken a few to many whacks to the head._'

--- ---

_A partnership that works – the caring Cancer can bring emotions into the life of the rational and reserved Capricorn. Both these signs show a tremendous willpower and if the Cancer can make the Goat learn to relax emotionally, they can work towards a materially and emotionally secure relationship- Mydearvalentine(dot)com_

**--- Day Four ---**

Kyo slumped in his chair, bags under his eyes and hair mussed. His skin felt clammy and he felt very irritable. Not to mention, Tohru kept poking him in the stomach. He glared at the girl through tired, bloodshot eyes.

"What. Is. It?" He asked, teeth clenched tightly. Tohru squeaked and moved back a few feet before speaking.

"Uh... Kyo, I think you should lie down. You look sick." She said as Kyo grumbled but nodded. He slide out of his chair and dizzily made his way to his room. "I'll get you some soup!" She shouted as Kyo made no indication that he heard her.

It was maybe an hour or so later when Kyo heard his door squeak open. Cracking open an eye, Kyo groaned when he saw Haru walk in holding a tray and a bowl of what was probably soup. He donned a frilly, pink apron and yellow rubber gloves, looking very much like a housewife. Kyo grinned at the thoguht of Haru cleaning the house.

"Here you go Kyo, soup to make you feel better." Haru waited for Kyo to sit up before placing down the tray across the cat's lap. Kyo began to eat some, feeling much better then he had that morning.

"This is pretty good Haru, did you make it?" Kyo asked, still eating. Haru nodded,

"Yes, I found the reciepe in one of Tohru's cookbooks. It's suppose to be good for colds." Kyo smiled softly at the ox. Maybe he wasn't so bad after all.

"What's in it?" Kyo asked, finishing the last bit.

"Leeks."

Kyo gagged.

**--- ---**

_Don't bother to flatter, it doesn't work. Don't expect a quick run away and get married, he wants to be established in career or business before he takes the plunge. Don't act erratic and unpredictable, demonstrate self control and reserve. Don't expect to introduce a new and radical lifestyle, he's too conventional-- How to Attract a Man (Capricorn), Newagedirectory(dot)com_

**--- Day Five ---**

After vomiting as much of the horrid leeks as he could, Kyo spent the night eating different types of food to get rid of the taste. In the morning, he realized the folly of such a plan, gasping in pain when his stomach attempted to stab his ribs; at least, that's what it felt like. Squeezing his eyes shut to try and will the pain away.

Twenty minutes later, the pain subsided and Kyo was able to sit up. Unfortunately, he wished he still had his eyes closed. On his nightstand was a small box, wrapped in orange paper with small hearts and cows on it. Briefly, Kyo wondered if Haru made all his wrapping paper.

Opening the box, careful not to rip the paper to much, Kyo saw a simple picture frame. It looked handmade, as it was crooked and had small cat-toys attached to it. Kyo snorted, but smiled nonetheless. He wouldn't admit it to anyone, but the present really tugged at his heart. Putting down the picture frame, Kyo noticed a medium sized card next to where the box was.

Opening the stark white card, Kyo was met with a picture of Haru, winking towards the camera and his lips puckered out as though he were blowing a kiss. Appearantly, Haru wanted Kyo to put that picture in the frame. Taking out Haru's... provocative picture, Kyo read the short sentences on the card and paled.

_Me so horny. Me love you long_ _time._

--- ---

_You self-protective Crabs have a hard shell and a soft, sensitive inside. You tend to take your relationships quite seriously, and although you have high ideals, you'll choose a partner who is authentic, though imperfect, over an unrealizable dream lover- Cancer Love Horoscope for 2007, Tarot(dot)com_

**--- Day Six ---**

Kyo sat in the living room, nervously glancing around every few minutes. There was no telling when Haru would strike or what he would do. When someone tapped his shoulder, Kyo jumped in his seat and turned around. He came face to face with Yuki who was holding a plate full of candy.

"What the hell do you want rat?" Yuki shoved the plate into the cat's face before turning around.

"It's yours, eat it all." Was all the silver-haired teen said before disappearing down a hallway.

Kyo eyed the candy cautiously before eating a piece. It didn't taste funny. So he ate some more, ten minutes later, he was down to last few pieces, and saw that there was note taped the plate. Blinking, he pushed aside the other candy pieces before reading.

"For my sexy Sugar Daddy."

Kyo's eyebrow twitched. However, to his horror, he felt someone hug him from behind. Haru's head dipped down towards the older's ear and he whispered,

"I let Momiji choose the note today. How about a kiss, Sugar Daddy?" Haru grinned as Kyo sputtered. Jumping from the younger's grasp, Kyo pointed a shaky finger at the ox.

"You're out of your fucking mind!" Kyo screamed before running into his room and locking the door. Haru sighed, running a hand through his hair. He only had a day left, and it seemed Kyo was not swooning over the gifts he had so graciously prepared.

--- ---

_When Cancer and Capricorn make a love match, it's a celestial pairing of great tenacity and determination. Capricorn, the Sea Goat, is focused on logic, on being down-to-earth and real; Cancer brings a charge of emotional intensity to the relationship. Both hold one another to high standards tempered by an abiding mutual respect. In a Capricorn mate, Cancer finds dedication, and in return Capricorn comes to love Cancer's persistence. These two Signs from opposite sides of the Zodiac can come together to create a very successful and secure connection- Astrology(dot)com_

**--- Day Seven ---**

Kyo woke up that morning feeling something very warm and soft next to him. Snuggling into the warmth, Kyo let out a soft sigh. Then he stopped, because he didn't have anything warm and soft in his bed. Snapping open his eyes, Kyo nearly screamed. Laying next to him was Hatusharu, wearing... well nothing.

Kyo flushed red before scrambling as far away from Haru as he could without getting out of the bed. Haru yawned while rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"Good morning Kyo." He said lazily, staring into wide red eyes. Kyo struggled to speak for a while as Haru continued to rub his eyes.

"What the **fuck** are you doing _naked_ in my bed?" Kyo finally shouted as Haru blinked slowly.

"Wha?" Kyo let out a strangled scream while grabbing Haru's shoulders and shaking him furiously.

"You don't remember what happened last night either? You could have fucking raped me!" Kyo screamed, his face dark red. A look of recollection flashed through Haru's eyes as he pulled away Kyo's hands.

"I didn't rape you Kyo. I came in here last night to try and seduce you, but you were already asleep. I must have just gotten into bed with you." Kyo scowled.

"You couldn't have put some clothes on first?" Haru shrugged.

"I didn't think my plan through all the way. I was expecting you to wake up and us to have sex." Kyo swallowed harshly before giving the ox a glare.

"Why would I have sex with you after everything you've done this week?" Kyo asked as Haru pouted.

"I was trying to show you that I cared about you, so I bought you all those nice presents. A friend said it was a good idea." Haru explained as Kyo pinched the bridge of his nose.

"If you wanted to show me you loved me, all you have to do is _this_." At 'this' Kyo clumsily pushed his lips to Haru's. Unfortunately, as the uke, Kyo wasn't very good at starting the kiss. The result was their teeth clashing together painfully.** (3)** Kyo pulled away, embarrassed.

"You suck at kissing." Haru blankly said as Kyo scowled.

"Whateve-" He was cut off by Haru forcefully pressing his lips against the cat's. This time it was much better, no clanging teeth, just lips. Pulling back and leaving a trail of spit between the two, Haru smirked proudly.

"So then, did my seduction plan work?" Haru asked as Kyo scowled, again.

"You made me smell like a pansy, feed me Spanish Flies, made me go deaf from your crappy singing, fed me leeks, tried to rape me, and gave me a stupid picture." Kyo said, deadpanning as Haru sighed.

"It was done in the name of love, damn it!" Kyo rolled his eyes.

"But, I guess it was nice, alright." Haru grinned and wrapped his hands around Kyo's neck. Kyo smiled to himself. At least, until he felt something poke his ass.

"Haru!" Kyo hissed but Haru seemed not to hear him.

He was to busy shoving one of his hands down Kyo's boxers.

* * *

Kyo's day ended with a sore ass.

Haru's day ended with a new record;

the two consumated their relationship

ten times before Tohru walked in on them

wondering why there were cookies in the trash can

and if it was bad that she gave some to

Ayame, Hatori, and Shigure

**

* * *

**

**A/N: **Ha, it started getting fluffy towards the end, so I figured I may as well throw in some man sex. Hope this makes up for the long delay. Keep on reviewing!

**Word Count:** 3467

(1) On wikipedia, it says that Kyo is a Capricorn and Haru is a Cancer, and even though wikipedia isn't the most realible source, I figured it was better then nothing. Astrology is something that I'm utterly obessed with, and I thought it would be kind of cute to just have different romance horoscopes that I found for either Cancers, Capricorns, or both in between the days.

(2) Spanish Flies (a.k.a. cantharides) is sometimes given to humans for the purpose of seduction because it can cause imflamation in the genitals. Kyo started spitting it out because the difference between an effective dose and a harmful dose is very small. And come on, would you trust Haru to put in the safe amount when just a tiny bit over could harm you?

(3) My friend told me that when she first kissed her boyfriend, he didn't know what he was doing and so their teeth smashed together, and it hurt. Hee, I always picture Kyo awkwardly kissing people.


	26. CENSORED! Fuushi

**CENSORED!**

**Summary:** In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N:** Cough... yeah, I stopped updating on Wednesday. All through May I'm going to be taking an ass load of tests or having teachers trying to cram in extra lessons, so I can't update in the middle of the week.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Six: Fuushi**

* * *

Every time Shigure would do something perverted, Kyo prayed that he wouldn't pick up any... bad habits. Unfortunately, with spending so much time with the dog, turning into a pervert himself was inevitable. The good part? Kyo's inner pervert would rarely surface. The bad part? His inner pervert tended to pop up at the worse times possible. 

Kyo was calmly minding his own business one day, sitting down in the living with Tohru, Yuki, and Haru. The three were talking about something, Kyo didn't know, he wasn't paying attention. Cleaning the dirt under his finger nails seemed much more important.

As the trio's conversation continued, Haru turned to face Kyo who was biting his finger nail casually. Waving a hand in front of the cat's face and catching his attention, Haru smiled,

"So Kyo, can I take yours?" The ox asked, his gray eyes flickering. Kyo blinked slowly, obviously nobody noticed he wasn't paying attention. The cat blinked again,

"What?" Haru rolled his eyes,

"I said, can I take yours?"

At the words _can I take yours_ Kyo's inner pervert decided to show up. Twisting the words around wasn't all that hard, considering Haru was notorious for being perverted. Said inner pervert took Kyo's mind on a journey across the realm of rationality into a place where everything had some hidden sexual meaning.

Kyo was absolutely sure that the only noun that could possibly fit in that sentence was _'virginity'_.

"Um, s-sure," Kyo murmured, fighting down a blush.

Haru sat there awkwardly for a moment, while Yuki and Tohru stared at Kyo as if he were supposed to be doing something.

"Uh... Kyo," he finally said in a slightly suspicious tone of voice, eying Kyo thoroughly, "you do still have yours, don't you?"

Kyo frowned, "Of course!" He snapped out, embarrassed and avoiding Haru's stormy eyes.

"Then I guess I can just come with you, and then I'll let you go inside first." Haru gave him a small smile that Kyo swore was sensual. "Is that all right, Kyo?"

Kyo was utterly positive that he had truly gone crazy. "Uh... yeah..."

"But don't forget to be gentle, or you'll bruise it." Haru continued seriously.

Kyo's eyes widened, you could _bruise it_?

Haru paused. "Although I'm sure you already know better than I how to be gentle."

By now, Kyo was too preoccupied trying to prevent the drool from spilling out of mouth to respond properly. A simple, gurgled "Yeah." left his mouth.

"Thanks Kyo. Hatori never buys any apples, and I don't want to get scurvy or something..." Haru said nonchalantly, getting up to probably go to the kitchen.

Kyo's eyes widened in horror. "Apples?

"Yes Kyo, don't tell me you forgot already. Hatsuharu wanted to take your apples back home with him." Tohru chirped, smiling brightly. Kyo scowled.

"Fucking Shigure."

Everyone gave him a funny look.

At the Main Shoma House, Shigure sneezed in between Hatori and Ayame.

* * *

**A/N:** Yes, another annoying innuendo laden chapter. I had fun though. Wish me luck on my End of Course Test (which is basically a State-Given final) tomorrow. 


	27. CENSORED! Hellish Adventure

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **Sorry for not updating on Sunday (or Monday/Tuesday for that matter) but somebody cut our wires so we were without power for a day and with phone/internet/cable for two days. Damn punks. Anyway, I've been thinking, Kyo and Haru are not only gay but participate in incest; apparently they're going to hell. That's what this chapter is about, Kyo and Haru and Hell.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: CENSORED! Hellish Adventures

* * *

**

The two cousins stood before red colored, iron gates that read "Welcome to Hell" in bold black cursive. Their fingers were laced together and they gave each other glances. Who the hell knew chocolate was fatal for cows and cats?

Suddenly, the gates creaked open and a thin, all red demon trotted out. He wore a black lion-cloth, and had long black hair in a braid. His eyes were black, and he had two red horns sticking out of his forehead. In his hand he held a small book and in the other hand he held a pair of black-rimmed glasses.

"Welcome to Hell, my name is John. I'll be your tour guide for today, do you have reservations?" He asked, titling his head to the side. Kyo blinked slowly,

"Who the fuck has reservations to Hell?" He shouted as John rolled his eyes. Sucking his teeth he pointed to a small door on the left. It had "Near-Death Experience? Reserve a room for the real deal" written crudely on a small piece of cardboard.

"Usually people who had near-death experiences. But if you do something really bad in your life, you get instant reservations. You know, things like writing/watching kiddy porn, killing people, bashing Hinata Hyuuga…" Haru sighed, shifting slightly in his pleater.

"Our names are Kyo and Haru Sohma." He said as the demon nodded before putting on his glasses and flipping through the book.

"So, you two married or something? I saw you guys holding hands when you got off the ferry." He continued turning pages, looking for 'S'. Kyo shook his head, blushing faintly.

"We're cousins." John stopped abruptly, snapped his book shut and pulled off his glasses. "Is there a problem?" Kyo asked as John pressed his lips together. Ignoring the cursed teen, he turned around and cupped his hands around his mouth.

"Hey, Lucy! Get down here!" John's voice had turned rough, and harbored an accent similar to a New York taxi driver. Kyo twitched and Haru raised an eyebrow. A lanky male with pale skin and blue eyes glided down from a hill. His hair was long and blond, and as he placed his feet before the three, he smirked.

"Don't call me Lucy, John. I'm a man." He smiled softly at the two Sohma cousins, before looking back at John. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Ask them!" John shouted, his voice once again reverting back to the high-pitched, lisp-laden tone. Lucy raised a blond brow before turning to face the cursed cousins.

"Well, care to explain to me why you think you're going to burn in Hell forever?" He asked, placing a hand on his hip and tapping his foot. Kyo shrugged his shoulder lazily.

"Because we're fucking our male cousins, and each other." Haru said bluntly, blinking slowly. Kyo flushed darkly; Haru could have worded it better then that. Fisting his hand, Kyo smacked Haru in the back of the head.

"Idiot, you don't go around telling people that you fucked your guy cousin senseless! Dumb-ass!" The pale-skinned demon started coughing violently.

"So… you're both gay, you've both had sex with various men, and all those men were your cousins?" He asked slowly, making sure to get all the details right. The two nodded, although Haru was more preoccupied with nursing his head-wound.

"What should I do with them, Lucy?" John asked as the man pinched the bridge of his nose. It was quiet for all three minutes before Haru let out a groan.

"Would you just give us a room or something? We died sucking chocolate off each other, and I'd like to finish what we started." Haru said, impatiently squirming. Kyo looked at him, horrified that he would say such a thing in front of all those demons/people/dammed things.

"Take care of the next person; I'll be bringing them up to my room." Kyo didn't really like the way Lucy was smirking, but Haru seemed more then glad. He even let out a strangled squeal.

* * *

It turns out Kyo was right not to trust the smirk. Lucy had taken them to his room, and then Haru and Lucy had chatted for a while. Kyo lay on Lucy's large silk-covered bed, snoozing, when all of a sudden, Haru was stripping him. Before he could beat the shit out the ox, Lucy was binding his arms to the bed posts with handcuffs.

Both the ox and the demon smirked at each other before stripping as well, the latter straddling Kyo and the former sitting on his knees above Kyo's head.

"Uh… what are you doing, Haru, Lucy?" Haru grinned before pointing to Kyo's mouth with his finger, then pointing to a rapidly growing manhood.

"I said I wouldn't give you head damn it! Tell him to stop Lucy!" Kyo almost gagged as Haru began to try and put himself in the cat's open mouth.

Lucy smirked and said,

"Call me Lucifer."

Before plunging into the cursed youth's ass.

That morning, Kyo and Haru woke up in Kyo's bed. Kyo blinked, rubbing sleep from his eyes. Either that was one fucked up dream, or he had one hell of a near-death experience. Getting up, he decided the first choice was better and walked down the bathroom. Haru grinned smugly, feeling an odd sense of accomplishment. Whatever the hell happened last night, it was fun.

He looked over to Kyo's nightstand in an attempt to find out what time it was. Instead he saw a blood red index card with words written in bright, yellow writing.

_'Hope to see you soon Sohma cousins, Lucy.'_

"Who the fuck is Lucy?"


	28. CENSORED! Popsicles

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **Agg, two weeks of not updating and I come out with this shit? Oh well, sorry about the wait and all. I've been busy though, seriously, this week is the last week of school so we're all running around like chickens with our heads cut off. Plus I've been getting ready for the summer and the fact that I'll be carted off to various relatives for the next month. Oh, but I got good news; I finally got myself a DeviantART account so evantually I'll be drawing fan art for this story. Hurray for more HaruKyo art. Anyway please enjoy this shitty chapter I made in like... twenty minutes.

**Edit: Heh, I made a typo towards the end, which Mrs Alichay Sohma pointed out. Sorry to any confused people...**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: CENSORED! Popsicles**

* * *

"Wake up, Kyo." Hatsuharu called softly. The bipolar teen sat crossed-legged on top of Kyo's sheet-clad stomach.

"Nggg... you're heavy..." Haru huffed but climbed off the tanned youth. He sat up, short spiked hair untamed, bangs spilled everywhere. He had on no shirt, and Haru grinned seductively at the sight of bare flesh.

Kyo sat up all the way and looked at Haru whose hair was stuck to his skin, and wore no shirt and a pair of orange boxers. Sweat trickled down his brow, but he continued to grin at the sweaty cat.

"Why the fuck are you nearly naked? I know you don't plan on fucking me, it's too damn hot." Haru pouted and moaned,

"It's like one billion degrees, and Shigure doesn't have any air." Haru said, seemingly irked at the hot weather.

Kyo chuckled until he saw Hatsuharu holding a plate with a napkin over it. He grinned once he noticed the red-eyed youth staring and removed the napkin, taking one item and shoving the other him.

He blinked.

"What the hell?"

"It's a popsicle, stupid cat. Good to cool off with, see…"

Maintaining eye contact, Haru closed her mouth around the tip of his Popsicle, and Kyo could tell he was expected to follow suit. He bared his teeth, ready to take half of the thing in one chomp-

Haru touched his arm to stop him.

"Don't bite. _Suck_."

Kyo's face colored as he watched the way Haru was doing it, moving it in and out of his mouth. Kyo's manhood twitched. He pulled it out and licked his lips, and nodded at the flustered Kyo.

Eyebrow arched, the older teen took the first inch and a half of it into his mouth, and sucked on it.

"Nh." He took it out and turned away. "Ugh. It's too cold. It hurts."

"Go slower. You'll get used to it." Kyo's face abruptly turned a dark red, and glared at his giggling cousin.

Haru kept sucking, and Kyo noticed that he licked all over the cold treat, coating it with moisture, then took almost the entire thing into his mouth. He decided to try it himself. He gathered saliva on the tip of his tongue, then opened his mouth and transferred the lubrication to the sweet phallic object in his hands.

He took it into his mouth again, crinkling his brow at the cold. It slid into his mouth easily. It went all the way in, and tapped the back of his throat. He pulled it out quickly; he didn't like the way that felt.

"Mmh." Hatsuharu, on the other hand, had the entire thing in his mouth so only the stick was visible. Kyo's mouth opened and closed but no sound came out.

There was something so oddly fulfilling about watching him having it all the way in. Kyo licked his lips and felt his manhood twitch again. Haru pulled it out just a little bit and pushed it back. It bumped into the back of his throat, and he sighed contentedly, closing his eyes. He was so involved in that simple pleasure, he didn't notice that Kyo sat watching her, a catlike smile on his face.

All too quickly, it melted away.

Hatsuharu sighed and he dropped the stick on the plate, and saw that Kyo's had melted and was now turning into a sticky mess on his fingers. He darted his hand out and grabbed Kyo's empty one and began carefully sucking on each tan digit until it was completely cleaned of the substance.

"Mnnn..." Kyo moaned loudly and Haru smirked.

Kyo was such a good uke, he deserved a bit of a treat every now and then.


	29. CENSORED! Quirks

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **OMG! I'm so happy! It's offically the first day of summer break! No school until August! Yay!

Also, I have officially been writing this story for an entire **year**. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far. This chapter is for all my fans who have been reviewing all my chapters from the beginning, and to my new readers who have just recently began reading my crack-tastic fanfic. To be honest, I didn't think it would ever be this popular…

**249** reviews  
No flames  
**17,618** hits  
**50** Favs  
**45** alerts  
and 21,003 words not counting this chapter.

Keep the reviews coming; let's see if I can reach 400 before school starts back up.

Also **Mrs Alichay Sohma** asked me where I live since I'm getting out of school so early. I live in Georgia, where's it's always hot, and people say 'what it do?' instead of 'how are you?'. Can you tell I hate it here?

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: Quirks

* * *

**

The day Hatsuharu Sohma decided it was a good idea to start living with his cousin was the day Kyo Sohma found out about Haru's many quirks. I do not mean the normal things such as Black Haru or getting lost going to the bathroom, but strange quirks that Kyo hadn't even thought possible for one to have.

**--**

It was early in the morning, with the sun just barely shinning over the home of Shigure Sohma. Tohru was buzzing around, cleaning up and making breakfast while Shigure was still off at Hatori's house with Ayame. Yuki was hauled up in his room, doing God knows what, but Kyo had caught the words "faster" and "harder" several times along with loud, painful moans. Kyo himself was lazily laying on the couch, reading one of Shigure's novels. It was actually pretty good, Shigure had become partners with a man named Jirarya.

As Kyo continued to read _'Icha Icha: Curse'_, he nearly jumped out his skin when Haru popped up from nowhere, exclaiming,

"I'm home." Whirling around to face the pale teen, Kyo scowled putting down his book. Haru stood, seemingly unaware of the pure anger that radiated off his cousin. A mesh bag was slung over his shoulder, and an over-night duffel bag sat on the floor next to him. Kyo sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"The hell? You live with Hatori, damn it, not here. There isn't anymore room for you anyway." Kyo said as Haru pouted. The redhead rolled his eyes, getting up from the couch and walking over to the ox.

"I can't stay at Hatori's anymore. Him and Ayame and Shigure are too loud. Besides," Haru winkled his nose, "Ayame keeps hitting on me..." Kyo smirked at the broody/disgusted face Haru held. Tohru scurried into the living room, donning a frilly apron and wide smile. She waved at the ox,

"Hello Hatsuharu! I see you've made it okay. Would you like some breakfast?" Tohru gushed as Haru nodded, waving back at the girl. Kyo's jaw dropped as he pointed at Tohru.

"What?! You **knew **he was coming over?! Why didn't you tell me?" Kyo shouted, glaring slightly. Tohru squeaked before bowing several times towards the cat.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I thought he would have told you already!" Kyo sighed as Tohru rushed back to the kitchen, muttering about finding some non-beef meals.

Kyo waltzed back to the couch to finish reading his porn magazine-- I mean novel. He finished an entire chapter when he realized Haru hadn't pestered him in over twenty minutes. He glanced around, Haru was no where to be seen. Both of his bags were sitting on the floor near the door. Kyo rolled his eyes, the ox probably went for a walk.

Oh well, they'd see him in three days.

"Kyo! Haru left, and I'm afraid he might get lost. Can you bring him back please?" Tohru asked as she held a tray filled with food. Kyo frowned but got up anyway. No use letting his boyfriend die in the woods. Finding Haru was pretty easy, he wasn't very far from the house. However, Kyo ended up being horrified at the sight of his cousin. Haru sat in the dirt on his pleather-clad butt, tugging at mounds of grass and chewing on them.

"Why the fuck are you eating grass?!" Kyo sputtered out, startling the younger boy. Haru slowly stood up, dusting his pants off and dropping a fistful of grass.

"I was grazing. Tohru was taking to long to cook, and I was hungry."

Kyo smacked the pale teen in the back of head and began dragging him back to the house. Mutterings of "Stupid grazing dumbass" came from the redhead's mouth.

--

Kyo quickly found that grazing was probably the most normal of all of Haru's quirks. After eating, Kyo and Haru both went to the living room and just sat there. Kyo read the last few chapters of his porn novel and Haru stared at the light-bulb on the ceiling. After half an hour of this, Kyo finally peeked over his book and watched Haru stare at the light, unblinking the entire time.

"What are you thinking about, idiot? Cause you sure as hell can't be staring at the light for fun." Kyo asked, as Haru blinked slowly, sparing Kyo a glance.

"You, Mr. Sexy." Kyo's eye twitched as he began to ignore the ox. This was the first of Haru's many, many, strange comments directed towards the cat. Kyo was more than sure that Haru smoked pot or something, what kind of person stared at lights and made stupid comments like that?

"Hey Kyo..." Haru asked, an hour in Kyo reading the sequel to his book, _'Icha Icha: Incest'_.

"What?"

"Will you milk me?" Kyo's left eye and right hand began to twitch, and he felt the overwhelming need to strangle a certain Sohma cousin of his.

"You-I-ngg!" Kyo couldn't even form a coherent sentence, he was so frustrated.

"Hey Kyo, what's for dinner?"

Kyo let out a strangled scream.

--

The night was, in Kyo's opinon, fifty times worse. It started with the fact that there were no more rooms for Haru to sleep in, because _no one _wanted to go into Shigure's room. It was just... ew...

Tohru had so graciously decided that Kyo and Haru would room together.

"Why can't he stay with that damn rat?" Haru raised an eyebrow.

"Because I'd surely fuck him senseless, and you want to be my bitch, right?" Haru, or rather Black Haru, grouped Kyo's crotch, causing Tohru to squeal and Kyo to shriek.

"Then it's settled, you too have fun! Good night Kyo, Haru!" Tohru disapeared into her own room, giggling to herself.

Kyo and Haru had both laid down on Kyo's bed, with Haru trying to feel Kyo up the whole time. After batting away wandering hands for ten minutes, Kyo drifted off to a fitful sleep of Tohru watching Haru fuck him up a wall.

When he literally felt a finger beging shoved up his ass, Kyo woke, sitting up with a gasp. His red eyes were wide and panicked, focusing on the dark ceiling before whipping to face Haru.

A digital clock caught his eye, glowing red in the dark and displaying the time.

2:43 AM.

His eyes adjusted to the dark, then moved left.

Cursing, he jerked back when his gaze met with Haru, staring at him, motionless and silent, with his eyes wide open. The faint light from the window illuminated the ox's featurs, casting a creepy shadow over his face and making it seem as though he had bags under his eyes.

Only one thing came to Kyo's mind.

_Had he been staring at him all night?_

The cat shuddered, then cleared his throat, voice croaky.

"Haru…?"

There was no answer.

Blinking blearily, Kyo cautiously leaned closer, muttering his name again.

Haru just stared at him.

Kyo felt his stomach lurch.

Was Haru dead?

Could someone die from not having sex?

Leaning even closer, Kyo peered into Haru's eyes, noticing how they were glazed over with a thin film. Biting his lower lip, he slowly raised a hand and waved it in front of his eyes.

No response. Not even a twitch.

Oh... oh, _hell_ no.

Kyo retracted his body backwards, trying to put as much distance bewteen himself and Haru as possible.

He was asleep. With his _eyes open_.

This was, by far, the freakiest thing ever. Kyo swallowed harshly. His boyfriend obviously had issues that needed to be worked out. Or some drugs. In any case, Haru was sleeping with Yuki for as long as he stayed, rabid sex be dammed!

* * *

**A/N: **This chapter was inspired by sister, when one night she slept in my bed and I found out she sleeps with her eyes open. Not so much yaoi-crack, but I hope it kept you amused. See ya next week! 


	30. CENSORED! Thumb Wars

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **Hey everybody, sorry for the month long wait. Two weeks were spent dealing with my school, one week my internet was down, and last week I was packing up my stuff because I'm moving to a new apartment. But, everything had been taken care of, and I'm ready to start writing chapters again! This chapter's idea came from **shanXsatoshi**. Thanks a lot **shanXsatoshi**!

Also, at the request of **DesertRoseTemari**, with this chapter onward, I will be adding forty percent more Yuki to the story.

Also, I would like to give a fangirl-y squeal of joy because **kc creation **reviewed my story. She is a fucking amazing authoress of KyoHaru fictions in multiple genres, and to receive a review from her... I am so thankful.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty: CENSORED! Thumb Wars**

* * *

It was yet another, rare boring day at Shigure Sohma's home. A day where Akito wasn't raising hell and bitch slapping people because her mom never hugged her. A day where Shigure was off frolicking around with the local fans of Icha-Icha Curse. And a day where Haru was going to be stupid. Again. 

"Kyo, let us do you." Kyo's eye twitched as he looked from his seat to the couch with Haru laid lazily, Yuki curled contently in his lap.

"Why the hell should I? Do you have any idea how much it hurts having a dick shoved up your ass and another one choking you to death?" Kyo asked, his eye narrowing on the duo guilty of doing such an act to the cat. While he was tied up no less. Yes, well, Kyo learned pretty soon that bondage was not fun.

"Not really, being Ultra-Seme has it's perks." Haru smirked as Kyo glowered, giving Haru a death glare. "So can we have rabid sex on the floor?" Haru asked, grinning at the cat who rolled his eyes.

"When Hell freezes over," Haru pouted while Yuki sighed, prying himself from Haru's comfortable lap. Walking over to Kyo, he extended his left hand towards the redhead.

"How about, if you can beat me in a thumb wrestling match, we'll just go find somebody else to screw. Like Kagura... or Momiji..." Kyo looked up at two innocent purple eyes and nodded, grasping Yuki's left hand with his right one. Inwardly, Kyo smirked; if there was one thing he was good at it was thumb wrestling. He was the shit, damn it!

"One, two, three, four- I declare a thumb war!" Kyo shouted, his and Yuki's thumbs wiggling around in the usual pre-game fashion. Haru sat up in interest, wondering what exactly Yuki was planning. After all, who'd risk a good fuck over a game of thumb wrestling?

"Five, six, seven, eight- I use this hand to masturbate!" Yuki cheered, his face dead serious. Haru snickered before throwing his head back in full blown laughter. Kyo, however, became rigid, then grimaced, and by the time he snatched his hand away, Yuki had pinned his thumb down.

"One, two, three. I win!" Yuki grinned in triumph as Kyo scowled,

"Fuck no! You cheated, you damn ra- ah!" Kyo's rant was cut off by Yuki pouncing and pressing his lips against his cousins. Haru let out a small huff before storming over and grabbed them both by the collar.

"Come on, save that feisty-ness for the bedroom Kyo; and save that excitement too Yuki." Haru easily dragged the two older cousins into the bedroom.

* * *

Later that day, Tohru had stumbled into the bedroom, donning a rumpled, oversized shirt with the buttons put together wrong and her hair messed up. 

"Uh, you guys... we're having take out." She paused for a minutes, watching as Kyo stared at her with wide 'Deer-in-the-headlights' eyes.

"Erm... you have cupcake frosting on your mouth Kyo," Kyo flushed before Tohru smiled and bounced off to order food.

Untangling himself from Yuki's and Haru's arms, he rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand, a milky white substance coating his skin. He wrinkled his nose,

"Ew... Yuki, if you're going to make a mess you can't cum in my mouth anymore." Yuki rolled his eyes,

"You know you like it." Haru sat, quiet for a minute before slowly asking,

"Why the hell did she call it cupcake frosting?" Yuki groaned and buried his head in his hands.

* * *

**A/N: **Bleh, it's sucks, but whatever. I've got to start writing more often again so that I can get back into the perverted grove. Once again, sorry for the wait. Please review! 


	31. OMAKE: Do it with Kyo

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **Oh my God, insomnia is a bitch. It's 2:30 in the morning here and I couldn't fall asleep to save my life. Anyway, yet another omake chapter, this time featuring a song I parodied. The song was originally _"Do it with Madonna"_ but I changed the words, extended it by 3 or 4 verses, and added a crack-y reaction from everyone. Made me snicker a bit, so maybe you guys will get a laugh out it too.

If you've never heard the song then look it up on _Dailymotion _or _Youtube _and listen. It's by The Androids and it's a pretty catchy song. Forgive me for any spelling mistakes and/or stupidity. Lack of sleep does not equal the best of products.

This chapter is dedicated to **flyingdaggers **because her birthday is next month on the 3rd and I'll probably forget to do something for her when July rolls around. Happy 16th FD!

**Disclaimer:** Original lyrics by The Androids, Song: "Do it with Madonna". I guess I own the parody version... er... yeah. It's mine!

_Lyrics_

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-One: Omake: Haru wants to do it with Kyo

* * *

**

"Whose bright idea was it to bring the family together for karaoke night again?" Kyo asked, bored out of his skull. He sat in between Hatori and Yuki on the couch while other members of the Sohma family sat in various places. Ayame on Shigure's lap, while Shigure sat on the arm-rest of the couch next to Hatori. Tohru was excitedly standing up, next to Kagura who was whispering things into her ear. Momiji, Hiro, and Kisa sat in a row on the floor in front of the couch, and Haru was no where to be found.

"If I recall, it was Miss Honda's idea. She wanted to bond with us or something... I don't really remember. I wasn't listening. Hey, have you noticed how she keeps coming home late in other people's clothes?" Yuki asked, turning to face the cat boy. Unfortunately, his question fell on deaf ears as Kyo's attention was towards Haru who donned an open black vest with no undershirt, a bunch of straps wound around his arms, and tight leather pants.

Basically, he was bringing sexy back. Yeah. Them other boys don't know how to act. Yeah, uh anyway...

Everybody stopped talking, and making out, and whispering dirty things that a certain Honda pretends not to understand to stare at Haru like he was some sort of sex object. Which he was, but you know, it's rude to stare and all.

"Tohru told me to sing, so I am. This is for my sexy Kitty-Cat, who has a sweet ass." Haru grinned seductively and Kyo snorted, trying and failing at not blushing. Haru fiddled with the karaoke machine for a minute before drums started playing.

"_You know Yuki has got the body_

_He really likes to play it rough_

_But when he's not the ass pounder_

_You know he becomes a powder-puff"_

Yuki huffed indignantly, he did not become a powder-puff damn it. He heard he brother begin ranting about how they could now bond over their 'ukeness' and he shuddered violently. Kyo's blinked, wasn't this song for him. Uh, not that he cared or anything!

_"Now Hiro is cute but still a baby"_

Hiro colored a bright red and began swearing at the ox in an array of unique words in various other languages. Haru glared slightly at the young sheep before continuing with a sharp,

_"And he talks with attitude_

_You know, he might be into ladies"_

"DAMN STRAIGHT I AM!" Hiro shouted, fuming in embarrassment. Haru merely ignored him keeping pace with the music and still singing what was obviously his own version of the song.

_"So what I'd really like to do..._

_I'd love to do it with Kyo"_

"What?!" Kyo sputtered, as Shigure grinned pervertedly and Tohru called out,

"I'm sure Kyo wants to do it with you too, Hatsuharu." Needless to say, Kyo was utterly horrified.

_"He's what a man's supposed to be_

_Oh Kyo will you do it with me?"_

Kyo glared before hissing out, "Hell no, dumbass!" but Haru seemed not to care. In fact, he seemed to be enjoying himself greatly. He sent a small glance at Ayame before singing once more.

"_When Ayame laughs it sounds annoying,_

_But I like bod when it's shown bare."_

Ayame smiled proudly, yes he'd done it with Haru, but honestly, who hasn't? You know, other then Tohru and maybe Akito. But really, it was weird not to have been fucked by Haru. The ox himself sent a small, blank look at Kagura and strolled up to her as if talking with her. He nudged her with his elbow gently,

_"But how would you like to be with him?_

_He's shaved off all his curly hair."_

A round of "Ohhh"s went through the room and for the first time in his life, Ayame was generally embarrassed. So he liked to be shaved, what was wrong with that?

"Haru! Oh Haru! How could you?" Ayame dramatically flailed about, wiggling on Shigure's lap and mock faintly on the spot.

_"I'd rather do it with Kyo_

_He's what a man's supposed to be_

_The only boy I'll ever need_

_Kyo, do it with me"_

Haru leaped towards Kyo and jutted his hips forward, closing his eyes slightly and moaned "Kyo do it with me". Now, under any normal, smutty circumstance, Kyo and Haru would have hot rabid sex right there. But, Kyo was stubborn... and very afraid that some sort of sick 10-some would happen. A threesome was bad enough, but ten family members all tangled up on the floor. And don't even get me started on the mess. Cum is as much a shampoo as it is a mouth wash.

_"I'd rather do it with Kyo_

_I'm gonna have him on his knees_

_The only boy I'll ever need_

_Kyo, do it with me?"_

Kyo flushed at the many, many images that came from the phrase "I'm gonna have him on his knees". He was betting his twitching ass he wasn't going to be praying.

"_Oh Kyo Ooooo Ooooo Oooooo Kyo"_

"_I'd really like to be with Kagura_

_I think she's really, really strong_

_I wonder if I could get Kagura_

_To wanna do it hard and long?"_

Kagura grinned, waving at Haru and nodding. Kyo's face burned brightly. Okay, so if Kagura was going to be joining them... that would make them a foursome counting Yuki. Kyo did a few quick calculations in his mind and tried to figure out a way where they'd all be getting some sort of service. The way he could think of involved him being sucked and plunged into (from both ends). (1)

_"Though I'd rather do it with Kyo_

_I'm gonna have him on his knees_

_You know Kisa's really cute_

_She really loves the cling to me_

_She often hides in near Tohru_

_She'd probably give it to me for free"_

Hiro covered Kisa's ears as soon as her name passed from Haru's lips, saving himself from having to answer any embarrassing questions. Hatori was eying Haru funny, alright so now he was bi, participated in incestral acts, and was a borderline pedophile. What next, he's the Sohma family pimp?

_"Now Momiji is cute but still a freak_

_Who knows where he puts his lollies?_

_He's always sucking on a candy..._

_Makes me think he might have herpes (2)"_

"For your information, my lollipops only go in one hole on my body. And just because I suck things doesn't mean I have herpes!" Momiji shouted.

"So you have an oral fixation, Momiji? I could help you with that..." Shigure said slyly, placing a hand on the German boy's shoulder. Hatori's eye twitched as he whacked Shigure's hand. Hard.

"Mine." He replied calmly.

"I hope you get pregnant." Shigure said childishly.

_"I'd love to do it with Kyo_

_He's what a man's supposed to be_

_Oh Kyo can you do it with me?"_

Haru winked at the cat and did a few fruity twirls that put Yuki to shame. He stopped and face a pouting Shigure and pointed a hand at him, singing once again.

"_When Shigure talks he looks so hot_

_I love his books and his pitch (3)_

_But my Kyo really doesn't like him_

_And he's got Aya as his bitch."_

Shigure smiled a bit while pulling Ayame against him tightly, letting his hands wander down the snake's front stomach. Going lower... and lower... and yeah, you get the point? Kyo and Yuki shivered in disgust and moved as far away as possible from the two, despite the fact that Hatori's body separated the four from each other.

_"I'd rather do it with Kyo_

_He's what a man's supposed to be_

_The only man I'll ever need_

_Kyo do it with me_

_I'd rather do it with Kyo_

_I'm gonna have him on his knees_

_The only guy I'll ever need_

_Kyo, do it with me"_

"Why don't you fuck that damn rat? I'm sure he'd appreciate being uke more then me." Kyo shouted, half-glaring at the sexy, leather-clad ox. Haru brushed the comment off, trotting over and sitting down on Hatori's lap with a 'Plop'.

"_I'd really like to be with Hatori_

_He really, really likes to play._

_I wonder if I could get Ha'ri_

_To be my man-bitch all day?"_

Hatori twitched for a moment before shoving Haru onto Kyo's lap in one swift motion. Kyo 'umpf'ed at the sudden heavy weight and glared down at Haru who was wrapping his arms around Kyo's waist.

_"Though I'd rather do it with Kyo_

_I'm gonna have him on his knees_

_Oh Kyo won't you do it with me?_

_I'd rather do it with Kyo_

_He's what a man's supposed to be_

_Oh Kyo come and do it with me_

_I'd rather do it with Kyo_

_I'm gonna have him on his knees..."_

Haru let his hands trail up and down Kyo's stomach under his shirt, only half-singing the song. Most of his concentration was focused on reaching a particular body part. While Kyo was distracted by one of Haru's hands tweaking his nipple, the other hand grabbed the older boys' crotch randomly.

"Ha ha! Surprise crotch grab!" (4) Haru shouted in content, rubbing his hand up and down...

--

Within the next ten minutes, the living room had been emptied of everyone but Haru and Kyo. Tohru, Kagura, and Yuki had snuck off to Tohru's room. Momiji and Hatori left back to Hatori's office to 'get some supplies' for a cut Momiji had... on his inner-thigh. Ayame and Shigure happily pranced off to Shigure's room to research the human body together for an up coming novel. And what of young Kisa and Hiro?

Why, Hiro thought Kisa how to handle a whip just like Big Sister Tohru, of course**  
**

* * *

(1)- A small nod to **DesertRoseTemari**, who introduced me into the world of **Haru x Yuki x Kagura x Kyo**. It's an... interesting foursome pairing to say the least. However, I'm always curious as to how (if possible) all four of them would screw at once.

(2)- For some reason, every time I see people who suck on candy, I think they give blow jobs a lot and have or have had herpes on their mouth. Not that that's true or anything... it's just a bad habit of mine.

(3)- A semi-subtle reference to Haru getting plowed by Shigure. I don't know about other places, but me and my friends use the term 'Pitch' to refer to when someone is fucking another person. Pitcher is the pounder catcher is the pounded.

(4)- Yet another nod to **DesertRoseTemari **who had Haru grab Kyo's crotch in one of her one-shots in her DeviantART journal.

**A/N: **Okay, I'm done. I'm going to down some coffee (yes, caffeine makes me sleep). Enjoy and please review!


	32. CENSORED! Drunken Escapades

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N:** Another chapter. I'm on a roll! Anyway, this chapter was inspired by **DesertRoseTemari **who made a journal entry on DeviantART called "The Little Black Dress", which was inspired by my (sucky) picture of Kyo in a dress which was in turn inspired by her other journal entry "To the Couch With You". It's an epidemic!

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Two: CENSORED! Drunken Escapades**

* * *

Haru was slightly amazed when he noticed Kyo was drunk off his ass, muttering incoherent things and groping anything that moved. Haru was even more amazed when it only took a can of Budweiser to get him like this. If he knew it was that easy, he would have gotten Kyo drunk ages ago. 

"H-haru... come 'er," Kyo's words were slurred and half spoken as he leaned against the wall, face flushed. Haru stood up and walked over to the older teen. When he got close enough, Kyo grabbed him by the waist and dragged him forward, rubbing his over Haru's waist and butt.

"Huh? Kyo, what are you doing?" Haru asked, looking down at a drooling Kyo who was having about as much fun as a five year old finger painting.

"Ne, Haru... what does tight clothes feel like? They must feel good, cause you're always wearing tight pants. Does they feel like some one rubbing your dick?" Kyo asked, looking up from his experimental touching to receive an answer. Haru blinked slowly before picking Kyo up by the scruff of his collar and dragging him to Tohru's room. The girl wouldn't be home till late, something about a study session or something.

"Huh-wha? Does Tohru had tight clothes too?" Kyo mumbled, looking around through bleary eyes. Haru dropped Kyo on the floor and walked to the girls' closet and began rummaging around. After a few minutes, he pulled out a small, black, satin dress.

"Here Kyo, this will show you how tight clothes feel." Haru said with a small smile as Kyo's face lite up. He stood on shaky legs and began trying to get his shirt up over his head and somehow getting stuck in one of the armholes. Haru stifled a snort before trying to help Kyo take the shirt off correctly. Yeah, well, that didn't work too well and Haru eventually got Kyo stuck even worse.

"Help me, Jebus! I'm blind!" Haru snorted at Kyo's idiotic statement and briefly wondered if this was how Kyo felt about him sometimes. Nah! Haru finally just ripped the shirt off of Kyo's body, he had like twenty more. Who'd miss it?

Kyo blinked dumbly and then smiled, eyes crinkling in drunken happiness. "Thank you Hat-su-ha-ru!". Haru looked down at Kyo's pants and smirked.

"And I suppose you won't be able to get your pants off either, will you?" Haru's hand seem to be itching for an excuse to molest the cat tonight. Kyo nodded his head and swayed on his feet, proudly unbuttoning his pants on the fifth try.

"Of course I can take your pants off. I mean my pants. He-he. Why would I take your pants off?" Kyo managed to almost get his right leg out of the pants, but a slight breeze took that moment to pass through the room, and this was enough to send the cat tumbling to the floor on his ass in a fit of giggles. "Oh, they're naughty, aren't they?"

"Yes, yes they are. Let me help you," Haru smirked once again and pushed Kyo flat on his back on the floor. In one swift motion, he yanked the pants off exposing a pair of orange boxers. Kyo sat up slightly and pouted,

"Ne, I can't wear boxers with something tight. Find me a... a... what'sitcalled? A thong!" Kyo shouted, waving Haru off and letting his head drop on the floor. Haru didn't even try to stop the giddy squeal that came from his mouth. If Kyo wanted to wear a thong... then who would help him put it on?

"Uh... where can I find a thong?" Haru asked out loud as Kyo gurgled slightly,

"Yuki's a chick, take one from him." Haru eyed Kyo, was he getting sober? That sounded like something sober Kyo would say. "Hat-su-ha-ru, I'm cold..." Okay, never mind Kyo becoming normal.

Haru sprinted out into the hallway and attempted to find Yuki's room. It didn't take as long as Haru thought and he swung the door open.

"I need a thong!" Haru shouted as Yuki gave him a 'you're an idiot' look. "Give me one of your clean thongs Yuki, please." Without waiting for an answer Haru walked over and began looking through the rat's drawers.

"Hey! You can't take a thong!" Haru ignored him and grabbed a tiger print one and sprinted back to Tohru's room without so much as a 'thanks'.

"What the hell does he need a thong for?" Yuki wondered out loud, glancing out the door to where Haru rushed off

* * *

After effectively stripping Kyo of his boxers and helping him pull on the small, tiger print thong, Haru was now trying to get Kyo to put the dress on right. He kept getting his head through the arm hole, or putting it on inside out, or upside down. 

But finally, Haru found a method that worked. Hit Kyo over the head with a shoe and put it on while he was dazed and confused. When Kyo's dizziness wore off, he smiled in glee at the sight of himself wearing a thin, clingy, tight satin dress.

"It feels soft, and nice. Thanks Hat-su-ha-ru!" Kyo stumbled and hugged Haru tightly. Haru pushed him off a little and held up a small camera.

"You look like a model, and what do models in tight clothes do?" Haru asked as if talking to a four year old. Kyo swayed, then thought, then shouted,

"Take pictures! I wanna do this pose," And so it was that a drunk Kyo, in a tight black dress that came to his knees, did provocative poses for part of the night while Haru took pictures.

Sometime around three in the morning, Kyo fell asleep while standing up. Haru grinned before pocketing the camera and picking up Kyo bridal style. Haru dropped him into his bed, not bothering to change his clothes and waltzed to the living room to sleep on the couch.

Like hell he was going to be in the same room as Kyo when he woke up.

* * *

The next morning, from somewhere in Kyo's bedroom, everyone awoke to the sound of Kyo screaming, 

"Who the hell took my clothes off last night?!"

* * *

**A/N:** I don't have anything to say so uh... just review! The next chapter should be out Sunday. 


	33. CENSORED! Ptoo

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**Disclaimer: **This will be the only disclaimer in this whole story, I keep forgetting it so I better do it now before this story is taken off. I do not own Fruits Basket, Natsuki Takaya does.

**A/N: **First off I'm sorry about this chapter coming out so late. I went to pool because it's been like 95 degrees since nine this morning. The sun was like 'I'm gonna burn you, ha-ha!' and I look like a black Crayola crayon now. But enough of my bitching, I updated and that's all that matters.

Anyway this chapter is beyond my usual crack. It's a remake of part of episode 13. Kudos to anyone willing to make a Makoto x Haru one shot/story.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Three: CENSORED! Ptoo**

* * *

"Hatusharu is a pretty strict opponent," Makoto Takei paused to push up his glasses, his two female assistants still awed at the mental image of Momiji. "But I will never stop until your white hair is proven!" A very self-satisfied smirk planted itself on the bespectacled youth's face. 

It was horribly bad planning on his part that he didn't take into account the fact that Hatsuharu Sohma was a pervert.

Unexpectedly, he was roughly grabbed by the younger teen and dragged by the front collar of his shirt. In horror Kyo, Yuki, and Makoto himself watched as Haru dragged the Student Council President towards the boys restroom.

"Wait... Haru... wait... wait... hey!" Haru ignored all pleas for him to stop as he slid open the bathroom door and closed it behind him.

There was a tense silence until the door was opened once again and a very sullen Makoto and very pleased Haru exited. Makoto took off his glasses in disbelief, wiping them clean as if to make sure what really happened, happened.

"Well, that settles it. The world is full of impossible things. _Ptoo_.." Kyo and Yuki both watched as the SCP spit out two small, white and black, curly strands of hair.

"Don't tell me you really..." Yuki pulled a disgusted face as Student Council President flushed and started walking away, ignoring both Yuki's and Kyo's questions.

"Haru! What the hell? You fuck practically the whole family and you have to get this asshole to give you a blow-job?" Several scattered students in the hallway gawked at the statement, staring at young Sohmas before turning away.

"He wanted proof, I just wanted to get something out of it as well." Black Haru seemed not to care that Kyo was seething, or that Yuki was feeling a tad inadequate. It was Momiji who spoke after a few minutes.

"You know, that was pretty fast for a BJ, you were only in there for like thirty seconds." Black Haru shrugged,

"You heard him, the world is full of impossible things. It was the world's fastest blow-job."

Both Kyo and Yuki hit the teen in the back of the head.

* * *

**A/N: **Short yeah, but I couldn't come up with anything better. At first it was going to be a hand-job, but spitting out Haru's pubic hair was far to much fun not to include. By the way, _ptoo _is from this joke that goes _What is the last thing a pubic hair hears before it hits the ground? _The answer being _ptoo _or the sound of a person spitting it out of their mouths. Please review! Only five more until I reach 300.  



	34. CENSORED! Straight as a Rainbow

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Haru and Kyo get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **I was going to update yesterday, I swear. But... I watched the last Death Note episode yesterday and I wasn't in the mood to write crack. It was so sad... and weird... and I cried. Light may have been an asshole but still... the ending made me cry. Okay here's the chapter.

**P.S. **I got my 300 reviews, **Rem10124 **was the 300th reviewer. Only 90 more until I have 400. Oh, and the wonderful **DesertRoseTemari **inspired part of the beginning of this chapter.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Four: CENSORED! Straight as a Rainbow**

* * *

Kyo was pissed. His hang-over (from chapter 32) having finally gone away, Kyo was in the process of removing the little black dress. He'd have to remember to burn it later too. 

"Stupid... dumbass ox...he knows I don't like tight clothes...dumb bastard...I swear he'll be banished to the damn couch..." Kyo managed to remove the dress and threw it in a corner, and walked over to his dresser to find something manly to wear.

It wasn't until Yuki came barging in to demand his thong back that Kyo noticed something was very wrong. For one, his ass was feeling really cold. Like, he wasn't wearing underwear cold. And second, he felt very... constricted. He looked down and his eye began twitching repeatedly.

"...WHAT THE FUCK? I'm going to kill that asshole!" He brushed past a shocked, horrified, and ever so slightly aroused Yuki to strangle Haru in the kitchen with his hands. He didn't even care that he would scare Tohru for life by walking into he kitchen with nothing but a flimsy thong on.

"Oh! Kyo!" Tohru squeaked out when she noticed a fuming Kyo in the doorway of the kitchen, glaring daggers at Haru. The ox seemed not to care and was picking wax out of his ear.

"Hatsuharu Sohma." Kyo ground out storming over and wrapping his hands around Haru's neck. The teen stared wide-eye as a nearly-naked Kyo strangled him. It was, in some sad sick way, arousing.

"Kyo! Oh um... Kyo! Are you wearing that for your date with Kagura?" Tohru's voice caused Kyo's to realease Haru's neck, and turned to face Tohru. Haru began gasping for breath, rubbing his neck and other parts of his body that had nothing to do with breathing.

"What are you talking about? I don't have a date with her." Tohru blinked a bit before shaking her head.

"Oh, but Kagura called earlier and told me she was coming here for a date. And since she's always hurting you, I thought you two were going out." By now Black Haru had appeared and was intent on scarring the Honda. He stood right in front of her, placed two hands on her shoulders, and clearly stated,

"Tohru, the entire Sohma family is as straight as a rainbow. The _only _person Kagura can possibly be going on a date with is _you_." The Honda girl blinked slowly as Kyo paled.

"O-oh... okay then! Me and Kagura will have a lot of fun!" Tohru smiled. Black Haru smiled. Kyo frowned.

"Do you think I could watch you two have... fun?" Before Tohru could answer, Kyo had grabbed Black Haru by the ear and dragged him in the direction of Yuki.

"Come on, I'm going to make sure you're to distracted to think about them." White Haru smiled widely.

"We're going to have sex? With Yuki too?"

* * *

Kagura hadn't been the only one to come over, in fact she had Akito and Rin with her. And a bag full of bondage gear too. That night the house was filled with a multitude of screams, moans, groans, and grunts. When Shigure came back home in the morning, he was met with a most... strange sight in his living room. 

Kagura was chained to the table, a rubber gag in her mouth and clothes ripped to shreds; her body was covered in both welts and mud, and even a bit of blood smeared on her. Akito was in no better shape, her arms chained together and her feet tied up, she was being held up by a noose around her neck and a trail of liquid running down her thighs. Rin was laying in front of a huge mirror from god knows where, wearing a leather cat suit and thigh-length boots with high heels and a whip in her mouth. Tohru was contently snoring on the couch, wearing black lingerie, stockings and high heels and covered in something thick and brown.

"Ew..." The dog stumbled away from the scene where his cousins and the Honda had attempted a variety of strange positions and fetishes. He went into his study and was shocked at the fresh Hell there. Books were thrown everywhere, and a bookcase was even knocked over. He looked to the center of the room where Yuki, Kyo, and Haru all laid, sleeping.

Haru was on Kyo's right side, arms wrapped around the cat's neck and was sleep-sucking Kyo's neck and muttering strange things in his sleep. Yuki was on the left side, hands wandering over Kyo's body and his hips grinding into the cat's, also muttering things that disturbed Shigure. Kyo himself seemed rather peaceful, dripping from head to toe in white sticky stuff and his head thrown back.

Shigure sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"It's a good thing the entire family is gay, otherwise we'd have some highly retarded children."

* * *

**A/N: **I think I need to change the rating to M. Rating it T is pushing it ridiculously close. Please keep sending me your lovely reviews! 

**Random Chapter Contest: **If you think you can, try and name all the fetishes that I described in the AkitoxTohruxKaguraxRin scene. There are six total, whoever gets the most right get a one-shot Fruits Basket story with their choice of pairing(s) and genre.


	35. CENSORED! GenderBender

**CENSORED!**

**A/N:** Sorry for the wait. Anyway, this chapter idea was given to me by **hiya24**, who gets annoyed by stories that change a character's gender. WHY? Why do people feel the need to turn poor Kyo or Yuki or whoever into a chick? There are plenty of girls in the series. I don't understand but whatever.

**Warning:** This chapter contains gender-bending, out of character-ness, and a bunch of stuff that doesn't make sense. Enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Five: CENSORED! Gender-Bender**

* * *

It was a wonderful spring morning as Kyo sat in his bed, sick with a fever of 103 degrees. He held the covers up above his head, moaning in pain and coughing every few minutes. After suffering like this for an hour, Haru had found the bathroom and brought back a bottle of medicine. 

"Here Kyo, take this and you'll feel better." Haru held a cupful of blue, thick liquid and Kyo wrinkled his nose at it. Slowly taking the cap from Haru, Kyo threw his head back and downed the entire thing in one gulp.

"This taste like shit Haru!" Kyo screeched his face contorted in disgust. Haru shrugged and took the cap back, leaving the room to put the medicine back in the bathroom. On his way back he heard a loud BOOM from Kyo's room and hurried inside. Haru looked around and noticed a smoking lump in the center of Kyo's bed.

"Kyo, are you alright?" Haru walked towards the bed and ripped away the covers.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME DAMN IT!" A very non-Kyo voice shouted, the tone a high soprano sound. Haru blinked slowly, looking down at a very naked, very female, orange head.

"Kyo...?" The red-eyed woman pulled the covers over her body and blushed brightly.

"That medicine crap turned me into a girl!"

"A very pretty girl."

"What?"

And then Haru pounced on his now female lover!

"Now we have another hole to put it in!" But before they could have sex, Yuki walked in and said,

"Get away from my Kyoko! I love her!" And then Haru and Yuki started fighting over the impossibly pretty FemKyo named Kyoko, and she cried out.

"Don't fight for my love!" But the two cousins ignored her pleas, so she used her new telekinetic powers _(which were an unknown side-affect from the medicine) _to call Hatori. The doctor drove over with Ayame and Shigure in the car too and they leapt into the room.

"Yuki! Haru! Neither of you can have Kyoko, because **I** want Kyoko!" And then Hatori passionately kissed the FemKyo on the lips. Ayame and Shigure gasped in shock before ripping the sea horse away from Kyoko.

"Kyoko, how could you? I thought what we had when we were younger but I forgot and now I remember was special!" Ayame sobbed, hugging FemKyo tightly.

"Oh why must I be so beautiful that everyone wants me?" FemKyo cried out, sobbing as well.

But in the end everyone finally got on with their lives and Haru and Kyoko got together. Because they're the one true pairing, Haru and me- uh I mean Kyoko- no wait I _really _meant **KYO**.

* * *

**A/N:** Short, shitty, and barely humorous, to me anyway. FemKyo turned into a Mary-Sue by the way. Before I forget, **Luna32 **I'm working on that **HaruxKyoxYukixZero **chapter for you, I swear. 

**Crystaline-Crimson **got the most fetishes, 3 of them. There was Scat, Bondage, S&M, Erotic asphyxiation, Katoptronophilia (Mirror Fetish), and Wet and Messy. So then, **Crystaline-Crimson **please leave a pairing and genre for me to write in your next review.


	36. CENSORED! HandHolding

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N:** Sorry for the late update, I can't keep a schedule to save my life.

**Luna32**, Sunday's chapter is going to be the **HaruxKyoxYukixZero **chapter. Everyone else, ideas are always welcomed

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Six: CENSORED! Hand-Holding**

* * *

This Saturday was yet another _'Sohma Family Outing'_ day, in which Tohru prompted Haru and Kyo to go to the movies with her. They had chosen a bloody, gore-filled movie and bought a minimal amount of snacks. Haru got a box of candy, Kyo got a medium sized popcorn, and Tohru got a hot dog. 

The movie itself was rather dull, being nothing but random slasher scenes and sex every ten minutes. Which was probably why Haru suggested it. As the masked murder on screen began hacking away at a woman's stomach, Haru prodded Kyo with a finger.

"What do you want?" Kyo glanced at the ox from the corner of his eye, mildly enthralled by the blood and organs splattering everywhere.

"Kyo, I'm scared... can I hold your hand?" Kyo rolled his eyes at the childish nature of his boyfriend. After a minute Kyo sighed and held his hand out for Haru to grab.

Haru smiled softly before grabbing onto Kyo tightly. Kyo's eye twitched and his face turned red.

"Haru."

"Yes Kyo?"

"That is **NOT **my hand."

"Oh?"

Before Kyo could brutally murder his boyfriend for 'PF' (public fondling), Tohru took that moment to look over at the two. She blinked slowly.

"Hatsuharu, you're holding something... oh your candy must have fallen in Kyo's lap." When the screen flashed bright red, Tohru's attention was brought back to the movie. Haru gave Kyo a blank look.

"I can't believe people think you two have a relationship going on. Only she would be innocent enough to mistake your dick for a piece of candy." Kyo was too busy wiggling out of Haru's grasp to speak.

"Well then, I may as well suck on my sweet treat as long as she thinks it's a piece of candy."

"What are you doi-_ohhh_..."

**---**

That day, Haru and Kyo were officially banned from the movie theater. The befuddled usher had only mentioned that they had disturbed the others with loud shrieks and left a large mess in the two seats they were in. It wasn't until later that the theater owner found out exactly _how _that mess came to be.

The next day, video cameras were installed in the back of every chair.

That next week the Theater Owner made over twenty thousand dollars selling a tape of two high school girls getting it on during a horror movie.

That same week, Uo and Hana were asked repeatedly to join a mysterious club called the _'Buffalo Gals'_.(1)

* * *

**A/N: **At first I wasn't going to put the UoHana porn-tape thing at the end, but I figured it would be a flimsy way to connect this story with **Crystaline-Crimson**'s fic that I'm working on. 

(1) I heard the people at my school called gay girls Buffalo Gals. So basically, the club is a bunch of lesbians... which is why they suddenly want Uo and Hana.

_(The HanaUo smutty oneshot should be uploaded next week sometime. I promise.)_


	37. CENSORED! Vampirotica

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: In** which Haru and Kyo get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N:** I'm not supposed to be on the computer right now, but I'm sure an exception can be made. Anyway since so many people disliked the lemon, I rewrote the chapter for ya. It's mostly the same, with a few differences. I'm actually pretty keen on the new version, so I hope you all like this one better.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Seven: CENSORED! Vampirotica**

* * *

Zero Kiriyu had no idea what he was doing here; walking down a dark and empty street that night. He should have been at the Academy, doing homework or something. But no, he was walking down the street. And quite suddenly, he was assaulted. 

Yep, some guy reached out from the shadows and grabbed the smaller boy's body quickly. Struggling, Zero attempted to reach his gun. No such luck.

The mysterious kidnapper managed to cuff his arms and feet together. In the moonlit night, Zero was able to see a giddy, black and white haired teen before he was smacked over the head.

----

Waking up, Zero looked around to see himself in a small bedroom. He sat on the floor, hands and feet still bound, staring up at a strap-wearing guy. The one who had snatched and subdued him.

"You bastard!" The guy chuckled lightly, waving off the insult.

"Don't be so upset, you're going to love this, I promise. Name's Hatsuharu Sohma," Before Zero could say anything, the door was slammed open by two more people. An orange haired guy, and a silver haired one that looked a bit like him.

"What the fuck did you call us in here for? I'm trying to sleep and Yuki was jerkin' off-"

"Kyo!"

"What the hell could be so important." A orange haired guy and a silver haired he/she stood in the doorway. It silent as two pairs of red and purple eyes looked at the pale person on the floor.

"I know that isn't a person." The silver haired one looked away from the floor and towards Zero's captor, apparently named Haru. The strap wearing man just grinned, standing up from his bed.

"Yep, I found him in a dark alley. He was totally asking to be gang raped with that outfit-" Haru gestured towards Zero who looked down, blinking. He hardly called his school uniform rape-worthy. The orange haired guy stormed over and punched Haru in the back of the head, and began ranting.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You can't take people from off the streets! Shigure does enough illegal shit, and if you go to jail YOU WILL NOT BE SEME." Haru whined, rubbing a newly forming bruise. The silver haired one, who did look an awful lot like Zero, coughed getting all the attention in the room.

"I suppose we can let you go, as long as you don't call the cops. No need for the three of us to have sex in a jail cell," Zero's eye twitched but Haru seemed to be unwilling to let go of his prey.

"I'm not letting him go without a fuck." Zero slowly felt the urge to die rise within him.

But he didn't exactly have a say in things.

As though he would die in the next few minutes without having some sort of sexual encounter, Haru pounced upon the tied up vampire. It wasn't long before both Yuki and Kyo joined as well.

----

Somewhere in Cross Academy, Yuuki Cross had the strangest feeling that Zero would be in great pain when he returned...

----

Zero woke up in the wee hours of the morning, removing himself from the tangle of bodies on the bed. He scowled, knowing that by the time he got back to Cross Academy, people would be asking questions that shouldn't be answered. Kicking Yuki to the floor and Kyo to the foot of the bed, he grabbed the fuzzy handcuffs from off a dresser. Tying his kidnapper to the bed, Zero smirked evilly, biting Haru on the neck harshly.

"Take that, Molester-Man," Chuckling darkly Zero put his clothes back on and left the house as quietly as he could, coming across a bubbly girl wearing an outfit made of leather.

When Hatsuharu woke up, he found that he couldn't move his arms. He looked around and saw his arms pinned to the bedpost with fuzzy cuffs. He also found that his neck hurt like a bitch.

"That fuck?" He squirmed for a while before kicking Kyo in the back to wake him up.

"What the hell is your problem?" Kyo rubbed the sleep from his eyes, looking at the bound Haru. He smirked, "So that vampiric bastard tied you up? Serves you right for kidnapping him," Haru frowned, his eyes narrowing at the cat.

"Just set me free. And what do you mean 'vampiric bastard'?" Kyo grumbled, looking around for the key or something he could unlock the cuffs with.

"That guy, whatever his name was, he's into vampirism. Bit the shit out of my lip and took so much blood I passed out while coming." Kyo bent up a paper clip and released Haru.

"Looks like he got your neck," Yuki pipped up from on the floor. Haru fingered two small puncture marks on his neck and scowled.

"Goddamn it, that's the last time I go stalking down a dark alleyway."

**

* * *

**Better, right? Anyway please review (again). 


	38. OMAKE: What a Night

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **I'm back did ya miss me? About the break... well I've been busy getting ready for school which is starting on the 13th. But now I finally have time to start updating. Starting Monday the 13th, updates will come on Saturdays and Mondays. Requests are still always welcomed.

You guys remember chapter 22? The one with the pick-up lines? Well, this is an omake for that chapter. It explains (sort of) what happened to Yuki after Kyo and Haru left.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Eight: OMAKE! What a Night**

* * *

"Ugg... my head is killing me..." Yuki rubbed his head, groaning as the sunlight seemed to beam straight at his face. Sleepily, Yuki swung his legs over the side of the bed before getting up to go to the bathroom. Only to fall flat on his face. 

"Ompf!" Pushing himself up, he looked down at his feet and gaped. A pair of black, knee-high, stiletto boots were on his feet. Letting his eyes roam upwards he nearly had a heart attack to find himself wearing a pair of red, lace panties. An impossibly short maid's uniform that barely reached the bottom of his ass was ruffled and torn a bit.

"Hatsuharu never told me he had a fetish for cross dressing. Or maid outfits." Blinking slowly, Yuki attempted to stand up, his legs wobbling slightly. Shrugging this off, Yuki made his way to wear the bathroom was. He had woken up in stranger things. Walking out into the hallway and opening the door he frowned. There was nothing but towels through that door.

"What happened to the bathroom?" Turning around it slowly dawned on him that Shigure's hallway never had pictures of Hatori on them. There was only one person in the family who would keep those pictures on their walls... Panic swelled in his chest as he stormed back into the bedroom.

Sure enough the walls were a faint green color, unlike his white walls, and the carpet was one of those cheesy shag ones. Yuki swallowed a lump in his throat as he approached the bed. Muttering a prayer in his head, he threw back the covers.

"Still sleepy... Ha'ri..." Ayame snuggled into his pillow, clad in a school girl's uniform. Yuki's eye twitched and he backed away in horror.

"Oh... oh GOD! I just slept with my brother. My stupid, immature, possibly insane brother. Gasp! He didn't top did he?" Yuki rushed to his brother's side, shaking him senseless.

"Wake up you dolt! I need to know, did I top, or did you?" Ayame opened one golden eye slowly before smiling widely.

"Oh Yuki! Of course I topped! As our first time together, it is the big brother's job to be the frosting! But if you would like to be seme, I don't mind having another round, oh ho-ho-ho!" Ayame loud voice drilled his words into Yuki's head. Twitching he stepped back and gestured to his outfit,

"How the hell did I end up in this? No wait, how on earth did you manage to get me here in the first place?!" Ayame gave a wistful smile before turning to face Yuki.

"Yuki, Yuki, Yuki... it was your idea to try wearing some of my costumes. And I found you in a bar talking to Ranka, and after I managed to drag you away I brought you home. With me!" Ayame grinned cheekily with his explanation. Yuki paled quickly. He could certainly remember being at the bar. Haru had managed to seduce Kyo with pick-up lines there. And that cross dressing Ranka person who was bitching all night rung a bell too.

But he did not remember going home with Ayame. Or asking him to play dress-up, and (apparently) fuck him.

"Go get dressed in some normal clothes and take me home." Yuki said slowly, trying not to strangle his smiling brother. Ayame nodded, standing up. Yuki blushed furiously, seeing that it wasn't the entire school-girl uniform. Just the sailor's top.

It appeared Ayame went commando.

Unknown to Ayame, Yuki was hyperventilating. A single sentence ran through his head: _'Don't look at his penis, don't look at his penis, don't look at his penis...' _Ayame stretched, yawning and making random erotic sounds.

"Go! Now!" Yuki shouted, keeping his eyes averted. Ayame looked at his brother before shrugging and trotting off to find something to wear. Taking deep breathes, Yuki attempted to find his own clothes. As he bent over to pick up the small scrap of leather booty-shorts, he felt something hard press into his ass.

"Oh Yuki! I just remember! I have to meet Ha'ri later. You want to come? We'll have whip cream..." Yuki's eye twitched and momentarily forgetting his brother's nakedness, swirled around to scream at him for being a pervert.

"PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!" Yuki's voice rose several octaves, cracking midway through his sentence as he stared at a happy Ayame.

"I'll take that as a no then," Pouting Ayame sulked off to find some clothes.

"Gah, I looked at his penis!"

* * *

**A/N: **And there ya go, a crappy way to start this next few chapters. Next update... um... soon. Yeah. 


	39. CENSORED! Not Study Game

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **I am back! After forever and a day I'm finally back on the internet. And with my return comes more or less twenty more chapters. This chapter was inspired by The Fairly Odd Parents. I could not have been the only person whose mind went to the gutter when Cosmo pushed all of Timmy's book off the table.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Nine: CENSORED! Not Study Game

* * *

**

It was already Thursday, and Kyo had been studying for his weekly test for the pass three days. Every afternoon Kyo would barricade himself in his room and study until dinner. And even after dinner, he would study until he fell asleep. This was something that Haru could not let happen for another day. He was going through sexual withdraw and he would be damned to Hell before he went another day with sex!

Slowly, subtly, Haru began his plan. Like the caring boyfriend he was, Haru started to give Kyo a nice "back massage" to get rid of those tense spots. Shoulders… upper back… lower back…

"Hatsuharu Sohma, take your hands off my ass so I can study for my test tomorrow." So the back rub was not going to work, huh? Time for a new strategy then. Haru pouted, moving his hands back upward and wrapping them around Kyo's neck.

"I just want to… help you loosen up. You'll do better with my study method. That's how I pass all my tests. Yuki uses it too, and you know the grades he gets…" Kyo put down his pencil, and raised an eyebrow at his boyfriend.

"You pass tests?" Rolling his eyes Haru snorted,

"Course I do. If I didn't, Ha'ri wouldn't let me come over here." Resisting the urge to tell Haru that Hatori let him move in so he (being Hatori) could screw Momiji, Kyo crossed his arms and turned his head to face Haru.

"What's this study method then?"

"It's the Not-Study Game." Haru smiled widely before standing up and walking to the door. Opening it, Kyo was shocked to see Yuki tumbling in and land on his face.

"You were supposed to give the signal, ass." Yuki sat up, rubbing his nose. Haru rolled his eyes again, helping the rat up. Kyo noticed, far too late, that the atmosphere had changed dramatically since Haru's mention of his study habits.

Apparently, Black Haru had taken over the body.

"I'm going to regret this, but how do you play the Not-Study Game?" Walking towards Kyo, Haru stopped at the desk filled with papers and books. Without warning, Haru used his hands to clear the desk of everything, tossing it all off to the floor.

"You're already playing,"

In mere seconds, Kyo was grabbed from behind and tossed onto the table top. Kyo also realized far too late that the "Not Study Game" included sex. Lots and lots of sex.

----

As to be expected, Kyo failed his test. And to be expected he had literally tried to kill Haru. Kyo had encountered White Haru talking with Shigure, showing off his _A+ _paper.

"How the hell did you get an A but I got an F?!" Haru blinked before shrugging slowly. And as Kyo reached over to strangle Haru, Shigure cut in,

"You know, Hatori never got the benefit of the _"Not Study Game"_ either…"

* * *

**A/N: **Of course Shigure is the one who though Haru the Not Study Game. It makes perfect sense... really... 


	40. CENSORED! I can get Delightfully Sexual

**CENSORED!**

**Summary: **In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **Since kc creation has been asking for parodies of her HaruKyo fics, I finally managed to think of something. After reading her story _Delightfully Sexual_ and listening to the song _Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too_ this little thing just wrote itself.

* * *

**Chapter Forty: CENSORED!****I Can Get Delightfully Sexual Too**

* * *

"I want a French Vanilla Frappichino please, and a..." As Tohru ordered everyone's drinks at the busy coffee shop, Kyo and Yuki sat at a table near the window. Kyo had a bit of time to kill before he had to be at the university, and having run into Tohru and Yuki decided to spend that time with the duo. 

"So how... uh... is everything?"

"Manabe, you remember him from high school, and Ayame keep spending a lot of time together. Honestly, I'm afraid they might jump me one day..." The thought of Yuki being the uke of two sex-crazed weirdos brought a sort of sick smugness to Kyo. Before he could remind Yuki of just how many times him and Haru had practically _gang-raped_ him, Tohru had set down a tray of drinks.

"A French Vanilla Frap for Kyo, and two Java Chip Frappuccinos for me and Yuki." Just as Kyo was about to enjoy his caffeine treat, he was interrupted by his cell phone vibrating. Jumping slightly, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the still shaking phone. It was old and worn and had tape keeping the battery from falling out.

Ignoring the several people in Starbucks using their nice new laptops, Kyo saw that Haru had sent him a message. Glancing at the time, Kyo shrugged and began punching in Haru's number.

"Oh, Kyo! Are you calling Hatsuharu? Do you think I can ask him something before you talk?" Nodding, Kyo handed Tohru the phone. And wouldn't you know it, Tohru conveniently pushed an obscure button on Kyo's phone, a button that (what else) activated the _speaker phone _function.

"Oh Kyo!** FAP FAP FAP** Unf... oh... ah! I'm cuming! **FAP FAP**" The many patrons of the coffee shop turned in shock and disgust at the small table. Snatching the phone form Tohru's hands, Kyo ended the call as quickly as he could and shoved the horrid item into his pocket. As most turned back to whatever they were doing, Kyo flushed darkly and sank in his chair.

"Kyo, are you okay? What was the fapping noise? Is Hatsuharu coming with us?" As Yuki tried to answer Tohru's questions without corrupting her too much, Kyo once again pulled out his cell phone. Going back to the message Haru left him, Kyo listened to it. In horror, his face alternated from bright red to stark white.

As Kyo sprinted to the university, he promised to make sure Haru learned a thing or two about leaving pornographic-like messages on his phone. Or at least asking who was calling before he started masturbating over the phone.

"I don't understand Yuki, how does touching a cock make it go fap?" Flushing red, Yuki cleared his throat and began to look for an excuse to avoid this question. He found it in the form Kyo's cell phone, which he had mistakenly left after listening to Haru's message.

"Uh, oh Kyo left his phone! How about you take it to him, and if you have any more questions Kyo can answer them." Tohru nodded, grabbing to phone and making her way to the university.

Yuki sighed in relief, by the time Tohru made it to Kyo's university her attention span would have had run out. By the time Yuki had finished his drink and was leaving, three men were getting freaky and some poor lady had passed out. Well that was something new... maybe Haru would want to try...?

----

In the end though, Yuki would wish he had been the one to deliver the phone. When Tohru comes and asks you if Haru wants to be a police officer because he really seemed to like handcuffs, what exactly are you supposed to say?

* * *

**A/N: **Ho-hum, I've brought back the "cock water valve" thing. Anyway, I'm not to pleased with this, but I hope you all get a little giggle from it. And yeah, that's a reference to my Death Note fic Sharing in there.  



	41. CENSORED! Anniversary

**CENSORED!**

In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **I have like no excuse for the long wait... I had the chapter done, I was just being lazy. Bleh... anyway please enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter Forty-One: CENSORED! Anniversary

* * *

**

"Happy anniversary; it's the day we had our first threesome. Let's go out and celebrate."

Oh how innocent those words seemed at the time. Kyo should have known any idea Haru came up with was bound to be horrible and/or sex-filled for him.

If Kyo _ever _found Haru again, he was truly going to slaughter to ox. And this time he meant it!

When Haru and Yuki had offered to take Kyo out for their first anniversary, Kyo was _not _expecting a place like this. Flashing lights, disco balls, annoying music, and sweaty people hitting on him wasn't exactly his idea of an anniversary celebration.

Kyo could not believe that they dragged him to a gar bar. Kyo was not too keen on the heavy smell of Vaseline in the air, nor fact that every time he got up to do something, someone found it necessary to slap his ass.

And where were Hatsuharu and Yuki? Gone like the wind. As soon as Kyo had managed to make his way to the bar, Yuki and Haru had disappeared into the mass of good-looking men.

Sitting at the bar, Kyo attempted to ignore the varying offers of one-night stands and group orgies. Sipping water, Kyo made small talk with the bartender. Some bouncy girl who said she worked there because the guys tended to make out and she was a fan of "that sort of thing". Kyo immediately stopped talking to her, lest she try and snag pictures of him and his cousins.

Faintly, Kyo heard the sound of a very fast-paced song and the footsteps of dancers. But what stood out the most was the loud cheers for a certain duo.

"Yuki! Haru! Yuki! Haru!" The cheers came from the dance floor, and it only took Kyo seconds before his eyebrow began to twitch. Thoughts of every and anything the two could be doing surfaced, and Kyo would be damned if anybody thought the Sohma family was full of sex-maniacs who didn't care where they screwed. Even if it was true.

A knot made itself known in the pit of his stomach, and Kyo hurriedly made his way past the groups of men crowded around his cousins. Scowling, Kyo reached over to grab Haru by the collar… or the neck… but instead was grabbed by the wrist. Pulled forward, Kyo fell into Haru's chest. Yuki stood behind the youngest of the three, running his hands over Haru's body and biting anywhere skin showed.

The crowd began hooting and hollering, and while Kyo became flustered, Yuki and Haru seemed to ignore it. As Kyo opened his mouth to shout profanities and tell the two to stop doing live porn, Haru cupped his cheeks and forced him into a kiss.

The crowd went into a frenzy, and began throwing money at the trio. Several minutes later, the three cousins had a pile of money, significantly less clothing, and a wide array of bodily fluids on what little clothing remained. Gathering their earnings, Haru gave a loose smile to a fuming and embarrassed Kyo.

"Isn't this more then last time, Yuki?" Punching Haru in the back of the head, Kyo took the money and stormed out of the building, screaming at his would-be boyfriend(s).

"No more gay bars, damn it!"


	42. A CENSORED! Christmas Special

**CENSORED!**

**Summary:** In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**A/N: **Woo, finally an update. I made this as long as I could too sort of make up for the long break. Also, beware of mentionings of tentacle rape...

* * *

**Chapter Forty-Two: A CENSORED! Christmas Special

* * *

**

Ah! Christmas Eve was here at last. Snow fell in heavy amounts, covering both Shigure's house and the forest surrounding it. The wind was harsh, blowing in all directions and freezing any poor soul in its path. As the sun slowly began to set, several members of the Sohma family were enjoying their vacation.

"It's fucking cold," Kyo's teeth chattered and he rubbed his arms furiously. He continuously walked from room to room trying to warm up. He was even thinking about wearing that God-awful orange and blue sweater Tohru had bought him.

"Then put on some clothes, stupid cat." Yuki sat in the living room, already donning a purple (women's) sweater. It was tight on him and annoying looking snowmen patterned the hem, but it was also warm. The rat would rather look foolish then suffer in the freezing cold like his cousin. Speaking of family, where the hell had Hatsuharu gone?

"Oh come on baby, slap me around some more!" Following the shout of more abuse, a loud squeal erupted from somewhere near Tohru's room. Both Yuki and Kyo found themselves shuddering. White Haru was troublesome enough, and Black Haru was worse, but a Black Haru who had encountered Kagura was going from worse to Hell.

"Who the hell let Kagura over for Christmas anyway?" Kyo had finally grown tired of standing and took a seat near (but not next to) Yuki. The rat shrugged, occasionally looking towards the hallway that leads to Tohru's room. It wouldn't be long now, before Kagura would come in followed by Haru… and if both of them saw Kyo there was no doubt that sex would ensue.

Uh… not that Yuki knew first hand what happened…

"I believe Miss Tohru had asked Kagura over for company. Have you noticed that those two are spending a lot of time together?" Kyo blinked a few times before frowning,

"What? The only time I've seen them together all week was when they put up the tree and presents." He gestured to a pathetic looking tree, no taller then three feet, with several gifts scattered below it. Yuki deadpanned, but before he could say how oblivious the cat was, heavy footsteps echoed through the house.

"Kyo! Save me, Tohru's too tied up to help." Kagura's voice startled the orangette, and just when he thought he was about to have a heart-attack, the boar latched herself onto her younger cousin's neck. Kyo gave an undignified squawk as Black Haru stormed into the living room.

"Damn it Kagura, if you keep running off I might get bored." His words slowed as he took a look at the three on the couch. Kyo and Yuki were sitting next to each other with Kagura lying across the three awkwardly, her hands wrapped around Kyo's neck. Although off in Haru's mind, it looked much dirtier…

"My three favorite ukes all waiting for me? What a great Christmas present," The ox seemed to ignore the look of horror that passed on Kagura's and Kyo's faces (although in his defense, Kagura was half aroused by the idea). However, as Yuki was stripping himself of his clothes, Kyo scowled and stood up from his seat.

"God damn it, Haru, for once would you quit trying to get into everyone's pants? Tonight you sleep on the couch!" Oh that dreaded 'C' word. A forlorn look took over Haru's features and Kyo could have sworn he saw tears gather up in his cousin's eyes.

Yuki groaned, and quickly began to make his (half-naked) way to Tohru's bedroom. Kagura followed after, grinning from ear to ear. Kyo snorted, keeping a careful eye on Haru, who undoubtedly wanted to join the three.

"You can't have sex with them, either."

**-----That Night----**

"I can't believe he's making me sleep on the couch. It's not like I cheated on him or anything. Feh, what's the point of screwing guys when they act just like an over-emotional chick?" As (White) Haru continued to mutter to himself, he tried to shift on the small couch. It wasn't even a pull-out couch…

"…And to think I even bought him a non-sex related present… ought to replace it with a damn vibrator…" As his rants became more disturbing, Haru rolled over to his right. Unfortunately, Haru's body was just a tad too big, and he began to roll off the couch completely. Thrashing his arms around wildly, he attempted to regain his balance and stay on the small sofa.

No such luck.

He landed with a thump, although it wasn't as hard as he expected the floor to be. He stood up slowly, and glanced around the floor looking for whatever broke his fall. His eyes landed on a smashed box and he paled.

"Damn it all!" He had broken Kyo's present. There wasn't a doubt in his mind that whatever was inside was smashed beyond all recognition. He looked around to find the clock and groaned to himself.

It was five o'clock in the morning. Worse, it was five o'clock on Christmas morning. Where the hell was he going to find a replacement present before everyone woke up?

Haru chewed on his lip in thought, trying to find an appealing solution. There were two things he could do. First, he could go to Shigure's room and find something in there to give his boyfriend (there had to be at least ten things in that room nobody had ever seen). Or he could tell his boyfriend he left it at Hatori's or lost it or some other lie. But then Kyo would be even more pissed off. What if he made him sleep on the couch for a whole month?

Haru shook his head. There was really just one option then. He gave a spiteful glare at the couch (it was all its fault anyway) before making his way to Shigure's room. He opened the door and closed it behind him, giving the room a once over. A bookshelf, some dressers, a closet, and a king-sized bed. Why couldn't he sleep in here again? A double-take of a box of condoms on the bed answered his mental question.

"What kind of books does he read? Those sex books… right?" Haru frowned. Damn him and his bad memory… He skimmed all the books on the shelf and shook his head. Romance and smut… angst and smut… horror and smut… good God was everything smut? He paused at one book and scanned through the pages.

"Well what do you know… this looks like horror and science ficti-oH MY GOD!" Haru shoved the book back where it came from and tried to banish the words from his mind. As kinky as he may have been, tentacle sex was NOT okay. The ox sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"This is stupid… there's nothing in this house I can give him without the sense being punched out of me. Wait a second…"

Now some say this idiotic idea came from that fall.

Others say it was from the teen being knocked around a few too many times.

But ask any Sohma and they'd tell you in a heartbeat: 'Hatsuharu's just a dumb ass'.

Giggling, Haru went to Shigure's closet and began digging around for a box. Last year Shigure had given Hatori a birthday present that the doctor actually wanted and it had taken a rather large sized box. Surely Shigure still had it.

"Ah-ha!" Carrying the empty (and thankfully already wrapped up) box into the living room, Haru grinned. He looked at the clock and smiled even more.

Seven o'clock.

Stripping out of his boxers and t-shirt, he ripped the bow off of his older present and stuck it to his chest. Then he slowly, meticulously, began to unwrap his old present. After successfully taking off the bright red paper, he started to wrap it around his waist. Yeah… this would be perfect… He managed to cover all the way around to his ass twice before he taped the edges to his skin.

**---Hours Later---**

"I can't wait to see what I got!" Tohru's loud chirpy voice woke up Haru from inside his box. He managed to shift so that as soon as he needed to, he could pop out. He waited, keeping his breathing as silent as possible.

"Where did Hatsuharu go?"

"Who cares, he's probably trying to find the bathroom or something." Kyo was never nig to let him live that down, was he?

"Look at this one!" Haru waited for a second, "It's for Tohru, from Akito? Huh… that's weird…" Haru frowned. Seriously, what about the HUGE HUMAN-SIZED GIFT? The sound of paper crunching was heard, as well as a shocked gasp from everyone.

"Oh my…"

"Is that a giant… yellow…di-?" If Haru didn't know any better, he would have assumed the gift was sexual in nature. But Akito didn't have sex... did he/she?

"Oh, I think this is for you Kyo. Open it!" Tohru's voice sounded strained, and Yuki even sounded like he was going to ask more questions. However, Tohru gave a squeaky,

"It's so big, Hatsuharu must have gone all out this year!" and all questions were silenced. Haru could see the top of the box move around and he smiled to himself. The lid was lifted, just enough so that a few cracks of light could be seen. Immediately, Haru forced himself upwards, the lid flying backwards into the wall and Kyo stumbling away from the box.

"Holy shit," Kyo wheezed out, pointing at his boyfriend in shock. Haru grinned, placing both hands on his hips,

"Bet I'm best damn present you've ever gotten. And you didn't even have to be a good boy." As Haru attempted to get out of the box without flashing his goodies at a flushed Tohru, Yuki and Kagura sighed from the couch.

"You'd think by now he would have had enough abuse."

"If he keeps this up, _none _of us will ever have sex again. At least not in this house."

"Isn't there any holiday where I don't have to put up with your shit? I'm still pissed off from when you tried to 'seduce me' for Valentine's Day!" Kyo glared as Haru smirked.

"You know even the holidays aren't safe from me." The ox winked, "Besides, this is a hell of a lot better then tentacle sex." Everyone gave him a weird, but it was apparent he wasn't going to explain his statement anymore. It was awkwardly silent for a moment before Tohru coughed.

"Um… what is… tentacle sex like?"

Yuki and Kagura immediatly tried to flee the room, if only because they didn't want to explain such a perverted thing to the girl. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your view), Black Haru gave a sadistic grin and grabbed Kyo by the arm before the cat could escape.

"Let me show you. Pretend my tongue is an octopus tentacle…"

"Okay! Wow, this is the best Christmas ever!"

Yuki was too busy to respond, tilting his head to the side as he watched Haru's tongue manuver in odd ways. Kagura was too busy to respond because she was contemplating whether or not to join in (really, she could give Black Haru a chance, especially when he had her Kyo looking so flustered and _hawt_).

--

That afternoon when Shigure had come back from the main Sohma house, he was a bit displeased at the chaotic state the house was in. Wrappers (and not nessacarily from presents) littered the floor, as well as several articles of clothing. And wasn't that the box he shoved Momiji into on Hatori's birthday? Shigure wrinkled his nose: his poor couch was covered in the naked, bodily fluids-covered bodies of Kyo and Haru. Yuki was being dominated by Kagura and Tohru. Now why did this scene feel oddly familiar...?

As Tohru and Kagura scrambled to get dressed, Shigure pranced over towards the group. Haru and Kyo glanced up from their spot, as Yuki glared. How long had he been waiting for a threesome with two **girls** instead of guys? Shigure gave a delvishly grin, and opening his mouth, excitedly proclaimed:

"Looks like a white Christmas after all!"

And for some reason Kyo was certain he didn't mean the snow outside...

**

* * *

A/N:** Happy Holidays and have a great New Year folks! 


	43. OMAKE: Lessons

**CENSORED!**

**Summary:** In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

**a/n:** A year and a half since the last chapter. I feel pretty crummy about that but well, I had pretty much lost all desire to write anything. BUT! After reading a bunch of KC Creation's stuff I was inspired to get back to CENSORED! I guess you guys can thank KC for this chapter.

**According to BabelFish:**

**Ich benötige hilfe **means **I need help**

**Aber** means **but**

**Hatori** **geholfen, mich zu kleiden **means **Hatori helped dressed me**

**Bitte** means **please**

**Es ist für spezielles jemand **means **It is for someone special**

**Stark! Schneller!** means **Harder (Strongly)! Faster!**

**Geschlechtslektion** means **sex

* * *

**

**Chapter 43: OMAKE: Lessons

* * *

**

Kyo, for once, was genuinely happy.

Tohru was hanging out with her friends, and while the cat was certain Tohru would come home in a disheveled and dazed state, he couldn't quite find it in himself to care that the girl was (more than likely) at this very moment making out with the two women. Yuki and Haru had gone somewhere. Kyo _definitely_ didn't care where they were. He snorted to himself, they were probably at that stupid gay bar hustling money from men for things they did for free every day. Kagura hadn't come over to proclaim her love for him, either. Hell, she was probably with Tohru and the other girls. Shigure and Ayame had stayed for an hour or so after Kyo had woken up that afternoon and then left for Hatori's.

In short, Kyo didn't have to be pressured into sex by _anyone_. It was a gloriously liberating feeling. He could roam the house shirtless and not worry about someone snatching him and dragging him into a dark room to have sex with him.

That's what he was doing now, not the being dragged into a dark room for sex but the other thing. He was walking around Shigure's house, chewing on the end of a straw; wearing nothing but a pair of lose pants. Not very entertaining, right? That's what Kyo thought.

"Jeez," he wiggled the straw around as he spoke aloud, "when nobody's trying to rape me this place is boring as hell." Maybe he could go to snooping around the other's rooms?

As if hearing his thoughts, Shigure's door slid open, startling the cat as he happened to be walking right past it. The smell of sex rolled out of the room like a thick, toxic gas. The room was shrouded in darkness, but Kyo could make out a multitude of objects including what appeared to be a cattle prod and what had to have been the Granddaddy of all dildos. Dear God, what did Shigure **do** in there?

On second thought, the cat wasn't curious enough to venture further. The damn pervert probably had bobby traps or something in there that would tie him up and leave him stranded for the dog (and whoever he happened to bring over) to do with him as he pleased.

But still, he was going to _die_ of boredom if he had to lounge around and not worry about his ass (literally) all day. That being said, Kyo was an annoying mix of excited and distressed when he heard someone walk in through the front door. Skittering towards the sound of footsteps (he would kill anyone who mentioned it, but the fact of the matter was he looked just like a house cat scrapping and sliding around corners, jumping onto and over couches, to follow to source of something of interest).

"Oh _hell_ no," Kyo skidded to a stop, nearly tripping over the small person near the entrance way. Donning a stereotypical German waitress outfit, that by the way included: a frilly off-the-shoulder, white, belly shirt, a small black vest over that, and a pleated green skirt that came to mid-thigh. Not to mention the pig-tails, thigh-high stockings, make-up, and the assortment of ribbons **everywhere **on his body. Momiji was, in short, tricked out like some fetish-based whore.

"Kyo! Ich benötige hilfe," Momiji's light voice rattled off a long list of German words that Kyo obviously didn't understand. Not that it really mattered to the orange-haired teen; he was too busy staring at those big pouty lips. Urh… I mean, thinking of a way to get Momiji to leave.

"Damn it, Momiji! You can't just come strolling around here, speaking German, and wearing **that**!" Kyo made wild gestures towards the outfit as Momiji frowned, tugging at his skirt and playing with a strand of hair,

"Aber… I's cute ins its…" His eyes teared up for just a second and Kyo groaned, putting his face in his hands. This was _not _what he meant when he wanted something fun to do.

"Don't cry, you look like a whore is I all mean. Who the hell dressed you liked that anyway?!" The tears dried instantly as Momiji grinned, twirling around and flashing Kyo a lacey pair of pink panties.

"Hatori geholfen, mich zu kleiden." Momiji smiled cheerfully before noticing that Kyo's eyes had looked glazed over and that he was probably not paying attention. Frowning, the blond stomped his foot down and crossed his arms, "Kyo! I needs de help!" Kyo snorted, the whole damn family needed help…

"Well what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Teaches me hows to do de really cools blowjobs, bitte." Momiji clasped his hands together, leaning forward. If he had breasts, they probably would have popped out his shirt by now. Not that… uh… Kyo noticed that sort of thing…

Kyo scowled, punching Momiji in the back of the head, "Fuck no, I'm not teaching you that!" The cat began to twitch as Momiji started crying and rubbing the back of his head. Why the hell would he ask _Kyo_ of all people something like that.

"Aber, everyone says yous is de bestest at de blowjobs, Kyo!" The words were hard to understand due to a combination of Momiji's horrid accent and his loud sobs, but the cat understood it enough to start twitching uncontrollably. He hadn't given blowjobs to everyone… had he? Honestly, I think the real question here is why (and to an extent, how) the whole family agreed that _he_ gave the best blowjobs.

What if they had assigned everyone a certain sexual expertise? If that were the case, though, what was everyone else good at? And how the **fuck** did he end up with something like best blowjob giver…?

"Go ask Hatsuharu, he'd be more than happy to teach you…" Kyo turned around and started to walk away from the younger teen, intent on forgetting this ever happened. Momiji groaned, reaching out and grabbing Kyo's wrist. The smaller boy was surprisingly strong, whipping Kyo around so they could face each other.

"Bitte, bitte Kyo!" And once more those sultry lips spouted words that Kyo could never understand. But hot damn did they sound sexy. Maybe he should make Haru take German one year…focus Kyo! Focus!

"…es ist für spezielles jemand, Kyo…" Momiji bowed his head, looking up with big, doleful eyes. Kyo nearly smacked himself on the forehead. The kid sounded so depressed over the whole thing. He probably wanted to learn so he could be a better sex slave to Hatori. Not that **that** made it any better. However, Kyo could appreciate (somewhat) the desire to want to give someone else great pleasure.

What in the hell was he supposed to do? Geez, maybe he ought to invest in a _WWHD_ bracelet, Hatsuharu would know _exactly _what to do in this sort of situation.

"F-fine," Kyo shuffled his feet nervously, feeling awkward beyond belief. Haru would probably cheer him on if the ox ever caught him like this, and Yuki might join in. Hatori on the other hand would probably castrate him for touching his "property". The man was in-freaking-sane when it came anybody sexing up the rabbit. That possessiveness was probably what drove Kana crazy, not Akito…

And so late into the afternoon, Kyo proceeded to teach Momiji every move he could think of.

And while explaining them verbally did next to no good with the half-German boy, physical examples got the message across loud and clear.

The neighbors also got a 'loud and clear' message, along the lines of: "Stark! Schneller!"

As did Hatsuharu and Yuki when they returned to the house, aroused but not surprised by the sight of Kyo on his knees before the cross-dressing boy.

After sputtering and stuttering to explaining that he was only trying to give the boy tips (the whole effect was ruined overall by the thin line of white fluid leaking down the corner of his mouth to be honest), Kyo was promptly cut off by Momiji's shout of,

"I's shoulds have been asking for de lessons about geschlechtslektion!" Fixing his skirt and matting down his hair, the blond kissed a flushing Kyo on the cheek, waved to his cousins, and skipped off humming small tunes. Something along the lines of "_I'm gonna sex up Ha-to-ri…_"

"No wonder you wanted to stay home by yourself, you wanted to be with that little German minx," Black Haru grinned, slapping Kyo on the back and laughing heartily. Kyo glowered darkly; he was **never **doing another nice thing for someone again!

"I'm a bit surprised at you Kyo," Yuki's soft voice stopped Haru's laughter and Kyo's glaring. "I would have thought that even _you_ could top Momiji when he wore girl's clothes." Yuki smirked as Haru was sent into another bout of laughter.

"**Fuck you** Haru and **fuck you** Yuki! This whole fucking family can go blow it out their asses!" Kyo stormed off to the bedroom, where he was beginning to wish he had spent the entire day. The rat sighed,

"Well, what are we supposed to do now?" Yuki looked towards his cousin as Haru grinned and wrapped an arm around Yuki's shoulder,

"Let's go sex up that kitten, he _did _say fuck us. Besides, he can't be mad if we're fucking him."

And despite the flawed logic, who was Yuki to argue? I mean, who ever heard of going a whole day without having sex with Kyo?

* * *

**a/n: **I have got to get back into writing humorously perverted things for this story. Although I did have fun using BabelFish for all of Momiji's German. Ideas are always greatly appreciated, as well as constructive criticism on how to make this funny for you guys. Another thanks to KC Creation for unintentionally inspiring me to write for Fruits Basket again (even if this chapter didn't turn out quite like whatever you guys were expecting). If any of you guys actually speak German and find mistakes (I'm sure you will) I apologize.


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